A funny thing happens to almost all intensely transsexual MTF young children, we realize boys are not as bad as we thought. The other key statistic is that we closely follow the sexual orientation spectrum of genetic girls. This simple fact is discussed in a Dutch Study in a previous post. Of the discussed numbers a certain percentage will discover they are lesbian aligning closely with normal statistics. The same results are applicable to FTM children.
It is a weird time in your life because we fear boys because they are almost always the ones hurting us yet we suddenly realize we find them cute. We begin to look at boys differently and this alters our view of other girls, genetic ones of course. We become jealous because they have what we want. They can hold a boys hand, a boy can kiss them, and in our minds we are deformed physically so that cannot happen for us. Since we are heterosexually female the thought of using that thing we were born with is sickening. Even several lesbian friends of mine that were intensely transsexual children tell me they felt the same way. The thought of using that freaking penis on another girl was disgusting at the minimum.
As we become fully sexually aware desperation sets in even for those of us that were primarily accepted as girls in society unless it was known otherwise. It is what drives us to obtain SRS at any cost, so for us a vagina is absolutely necessary to survive. Males might not realize it but sex is important to girls, very important, and it is important to us.
We survived in my time with androgyny or running away. I was not courageous enough to run away so I just was as girl as I could be which caused enough problems in the 50's. Today we can transition earlier which allows at least the chance to socialize as a girl.
All the kids I have been involved in helping over the years build walls around themselves to keep others out. It is frightening and discouraging to be intensely transsexual as a child. The world takes on this ugly black or white veneer that sort of forces one to look at everything in terms of becoming a complete girl as we see it. We often, even today, make stupid decisions and take horrific chances hoping the world will see through our pain and realize we really are girls. It is never that simple but when that is all you are focused on it seems to us it should be.
We become blind to those around us and we can be very stubborn. My High School had a requirement that everyone learn to dance which has always baffled me. I refused to take part because I was a girl and they would not let me dance with a boy. I did not tell them that was the reason so everyone figured I was "queer". If I had an ounce of common sense at the time I would have just done it and my mother told me that. Common sense and intensely young transsexualism are not mutually exclusive but it can be. When desperation sets in common sense goes out the door and suicide might rear its very ugly head.
My attempts at suicide where never the results of bullying but were directly related to the many Psychiatrists I went to and this is not uncommon in other kids like me back then or unfortunately even today. What saved me was a boy and then his family and that is highly unusual. The funny thing about boys if their perception tells them you "really" are a girl then boys want to protect girls, well good boys do most certainly.
That boy changed my life forever and for the better. I still walked down the corridors of my High School with my head down but a simple hello from him could make me smile. What saves the children today is an early transition and early hormones, which I also benefited from.
I cannot count the conversations I have had with the young MTF intensely transsexual children concerning sex and how bad they wanted it even when pre-operative. I was certainly no different in my time. I wanted to be able to touch him the way a girl touches a boy and I wanted him to touch me the way a boy touches a girl. In all honesty if he had pushed things I cannot say I would have denied him but he just seemed to know what was right for us, certainly better than I did.
Shortly after my 17th birthday he visited me at College before he was deployed to Southeast Asia and left me crying in the parking lot on a Monday morning as his cab took him to the airport exactly 3 months to the day he would die in a helicopter explosion in some backwater country not named Vietnam on a silly and useless clandestine mission.
Tragedy and loss is an unfortunate part of our lives but we had everything planned. I was scheduled for surgery in Casablanca on December 31, 1963 which was my 18th birthday and he asked me to marry him and I accepted instantly. It was not to be.
Some of us lose our families. My best friend in NYC ran away from her father and family when she was 14 after being raped by her boyfriend who was a predatory male. He Pentecostal Minister father beat her within an inch of her life and put her into Intensive Care for a long time. She recovered and stole a $1000 dollars from her father and ran to NYC at 14 and she has never spoken to or seen another member of her family since that day. It is sometimes the only choice we kids have. She ended up on the streets on NYC selling herself but survived to become an amazing woman who raised four adopted children with her husband.
In today's world I watch children like me pushed into the public spotlight and I cringe. Being an intensely transsexual child is a very private thing to the child. Sometimes I think it is more the parent(s) wanting some form of acceptance for their decision to allow the transition of a young child. Almost all the children you see on television are MTF because quite bluntly it is more titillating because a boy believing they are a girl is almost unfathomable to society while a girl wanting to be a man is less because after all who would not want to be a man. It is often difficult for society to realize we are girls and we are just being who we actually are.
I still remember the shock in my school when I returned from Canada after meeting Dr. Benjamin. I received a set of diamond earrings as a birthday gift and my ears were pierced and I wore them to school. It is funny sometimes what society will accept, my androgyny and obvious feminine mannerisms, but go batshit over such as a wearing earrings. As my body changed from all the hormones I had similar reactions. It was okay to be this pretty effeminate and androgynous being but breasts were another thing. Okay, it was 1960 but still they knew by then what I was.
Even the kids I have been involved in helping find similar perceptions til this very day. It is why, in my opinion, some idiots refuse to give kids estrogen early but rely on blockers of some form. We are children and we of course have no idea what we want which is absolutely the single most idiotic statement I have ever read. There is no child on this planet earth that knows more about what they need and there is no child more focused on getting what they need than an intensely transsexual child. Once I was on estrogen I never had another suicidal thought and that includes when my boyfriend died when i was 17. It was the first step and is the first step for every intensely transsexual child in becoming who we truly are.
I never felt complete over the years from my first estrogen pills until after my SRS. It is an empty feeling of not being as you should be and surviving every day which at times seemed like a personal Groundhog day nightmare.
The big problem we face is pushing boys away because early hormone intervention usually results in an attractive young girl. I have been told by both my husbands that I unconsciously flirt with men which is not a good idea if you are pre-operative.
My University in its infinite wisdom assigned a pre-med young girl, Karen, to overlook my college life. Well, in all honesty she was my chaperone throughout my college life and a lifelong friend. She knew what she was getting herself into because she was appraised of my situation but as she said I was not what she expected. I learned a lot about being a girl from Karen and her two best friends. Karen accepted me but her two friends were ill at ease for several months. I was 15 and clueless.
Once accepted I learned all about sex, I was clueless actually, and I do admit it was difficult talking about it as a girl but but not being able to put my new knowledge into practice because it was the 60's and the world was a changing. I actually wore a fake engagement ring to ward off boys until I received a real one which I put away for good in May of 1963.
When I graduated I was recruited by multiple government agencies which in retrospect is really weird. I chose Houston because it was the job of a lifetime. They knew and during my vetting even interviewed Dr. Benjamin. I loved the work but I was there because I needed the money. It was what we did then and now in order to obtain the finances for SRS. You did what was required.
I was just past my 20th birthday when I started there and it was both the best of times and the worst of times. It was the best of times because we were fulfilling a dream and involved in a scientific achievement still unrivaled by mankind but it was also horrible because I seemed to have a weekly new crush on some new flyboy which resulted in me spending an evening crying my heart out.
It all culminated when a certain new flyboy arrived and it was love at first sight on my part. I knew instantly I had to leave because I needed to be as far from him as was humanly possible and I needed SRS as soon as I could get it. It drives you batshit when you look at a man and realize all you can think about is having him take you any way he wants when you realize it can never happen because you dare not even smile at him. I was terrified to even look at him because he took my breath away.
I left in August of 1967 and did something I look back on as about as dumb as anything I have ever done when one thinks of the consequences. Over time I sold everything but the Corvette I owned and headed back to New England and stopped in Louisiana at a motel because of a later start and transitioned in my motel room while driving a 1967 Corvette that was noise illegal in every state.
I reached Massachusetts safely and was entering the Southeast Expressway from 128 in my way to downtown Boston and my Uncle's Company where I was to start work when I was pulled over for speeding. By the time the State Trooper got to me I was in tears. I told him brother had let me borrow his car and I had left my license at home and he let me go. He let me go because he had no way of knowing how fast I was going because he was on a detail cleaning up the remnants of a fatal accident. Sometimes lucky is better than smart.
In a moment of pure irony my younger brother took the car for a ride and got a ticket for noise in 15 minutes and I called my older brother and told him to get the car he pushed me into buying in Texas because it was his and he owed me some money for it. he also got a ticket for noise 15 minutes after taking it for a drive in Boston.
O went to NYC on a job site for my Uncle and knew I would have enough money for SRS within months but again I was working in this testosterone enhanced environment of high steel construction workers. There were some quite yummy looking guys there and I got myself in a little trouble with one but managed to escape the issue. I met Oscar, a lifelong friend, and suddenly realized I had no fashion sense whatsoever. Oscar claims to this day that my fashion sense was based on matching socks.
I was again going nuts looking at guys I wished I could date and then this amazing guitar player fell into my life or more aptly drunkenly ate my food and ordered me to get him another drink at a party. He was good for me because he was the man that helped me get over my low self esteem. Low self esteem is very common in all girls and rampart in intensely transsexual children and young adults which I was by then. He did not know and I made the friend who took me and introduced us tell him. It seemed to not bother him.
Self confidence is important to young girls and women in general and I began to gain some. I was seeing a well known shrink by then and I have to admit Harry was correct that she would help because I openly admit I was very angry about being born this way. I have always felt I was cheated out of a lot of things. Still do but I at least came to grips with it. I went to Harry and begged him to arrange SRS and in January of 1971 I became complete.
All of the kids I have been involved in helping and all my friends that were also intensely transsexual as children had almost similar reactions after SRS. It was a combination of relief, joy, celebration, and most importantly a feeling of being right for the first time in our lives. I of course immediately asked my surgeons, multiple were involved, when I could have sex as my poor mother and brother sat beside my bed with their jaws at their knees.
It was a long heeling process and finally in June I was told it was safe for sex and as I went on my hunt for my first partner I was really pissed at my guitar playing friend for being on tour. How dare he be gone because i wanted him as my first. Yes, I was a dumb shit but I did really like him. I the n turned my attention to eligible men in NYC and suddenly realized how many cretins there were.
I had actually been searching for a guy I could have sex with since May but it was like swimming in a mud hole. Like most girls i wanted it to be special. I wanted to be romanced and seduced by my Knight in Shining Armor and all I found were cretins in suits who wanted to paw me while suggesting our first encounter should be me giving them a blowjob. I was not averse to the blowjob but I wanted something in return which never seemed to be offered.
I learned dilation could be quite pleasurable so I knew I could have some sort of an orgasm which was an incredible relief because there were no assurances in those days although one doctor assured me I would be fine and he was correct. I figured I would just wait until my guitar player got back during a break from the tour but that was squashed when i learned he had made up with his long time girlfriend. Men can be such assholes at times.
I met Enrique at a party near the United Nations and he took my breath away but this time I could smile. He actually thought he seduced me and in literal terms I guess he did but believe me I wanted to be romanced and when he took my hand and introduced himself by kissing it with his Latin accent I was his and his to do with as he please which is an inherently weird thought process for someone like me who is obsessive about control in Engineering.
How was it must be the first question. In truth I was suddenly very nervous because I really had little idea how it went from this point on. I admit having him take off some of his cloths first and then undress me partially certainly set the mood but i was unsure what would happen and I was tense. I had already blurted out that I was a virgin and was not sure how well I self lubricated. I had no idea a lot of women need help with lubricant and he calmly walked to the bathroom and returned with some.
I was as tight as a drum and he told me to relax and spent quite a long time relaxing me which made me want it worse. He lubricated me with his fingers which stunned me because I never thought of a guy doing it that way but I came to the realization later in life that men are very worried about their penis and I think maybe they are worried it is a Venus Flytrap and will rip it off. Okay, I am kidding but it was absolutely amazing and the sex that followed hurt a little but was fulfilling despite the absence of an orgasm.
After we finished he pulled the covers over us and held me which in my humble opinion might be the best part of sex even after an orgasm which ironically he taught me how to get. I was kind of obsessed with him and sex for a while and did fall madly in love with him. After a while the relationship was as important as the sex but believe me the sex was important and is important to all women whether they are straight like me or lesbian.
All of my friends and the kids have all believed sex was important to them. It is because it is important to girls and women. Sex is important in any relationship between a man and a woman. Procreation is part of it but pleasure is an even bigger part and I can attest there is absolutely nothing worse than bad sex. It is debilitating and can crush a woman's spirit because orgasms are not easy for women but the funny thing is bad sex is not defined by lack of an orgasm because that is the male view of it because it is how they perceive pleasure. Women realize it is not always possible and to us the foreplay and the post coitus cuddling is as important as the sex. Men would have a lot more sex if they understood those simple facts.
I am amused when I read someone state they are staying with the wife and sex is not important even with the new vagina they just purchased along with the DD's and the FFS if necessary. They seem to feel that Harry's comment about asexual in Type V fits them but fail to realize it refers to pre-operative and not post SRS. I would love to put one of their wives on a NSA/CIA truth serum regimen and find out what the wives really think.
The transgender crowd constantly crows that sex is not important because they look at it from a male perspective and few have any concept how sexual women truly our. There are so many erogenous zones on a female it is amazing and a man that taps this is in for an amazing evening and I bet it goes the same for lesbian lovers.
Sex is not important to the transgender crowd as a woman because they are still men and so many keep their male parts because it is the center of the pleasure. It is beyond humorous when one reads a post or a comment by these dipshits claiming to understand what it means to be a woman. In a woman's world it is better to receive than it is to penetrate although I will bow to my lesbian sisters on that point for them.
The transgender look at femininity and femaleness from a completely male point of view and perceive their penis as some form of clitoris as stated often by TransGriot. This misconception is beyond misogyny and reaches a level of stupidity that frankly only the transgender can achieve. Just a wee clue you transgendered nitwits but women do not penetrate anything with our clitoris. I realize that must shock you neanderthals but that is how it is. A clitoris is certainly pleasurable but in a decidedly non male way.
So when these transgender nitwits tell everyone how unnecessary a vagina is or claim to be asexual while staying with the wife have pity on them because after all these men are kind of pitiful when you look at it objectively.
If these idiots realized the incredible joy a woman's body can provide us during sex maybe these assholes would actually contemplate SRS so we should really be quiet about it because there are only so many cute men in today's world and besides I am sure they enjoy jacking off in their panties a lot. The really weird thing is what do these asexual nimrods do? Lord, what a miserable way to go through life.