Thursday, December 30, 2010

Wow I didn't know I was that person!! I am not Aria. Big mistake. Duck!

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Editing note:  This post was attacked by Mr. Hingle and that is why there are all the bogus comments.  I am leaving them there for all to see. Thanks for proving me right that you are just a delusional lunatic..

Really big mistake Aria and I mean a really, really, really, big mistake. The following was posted as a comment by Aria Blue on her blog and she is accusing me of being someone I do not know. The only name I recognize there is Anne Lawrence and I do know any of them but I find it very insulting and derogatory.

Just to keep people up to date with the dying “two-type” scheme, have a look at “Cloudy’s” list of associates:

Alice Dreger, Alice Novic, Anne Lawrence, Crossdreamers, and Transkids. In the comments you run across “Lisanne” and “Kiira”. It’s always the same old people with new internet names, playing games with blogs and pretending nobody knows who they are. Just like they tried with that fake “Elizabeth” attack blog.

Anyone who’s run into these entitled, arrogant, nasty and vicious people should recognize the abusive behavior. The posts from “Liz” alone make my case for me, and I should thank that person for being such a perfect stooge. Give them enough rope, and they will hang themselves every time. They just can’t help exposing their true nature.

Thankfully, there is less and less exposure to these sorts of people as their TS fantasy world crumbles around them. If people keep vigilant and point them out when they pop out from under their rocks, this will soon be a thing of the past. They cling to the AGP/HSTS charade as a last resort, desperate people grasping at straws knowing its all but over.

I truly pity people like “Liz” (Arune), Cloudy, and the rest. They know they made a mistake and can’t live with the consequences. It’s too bad they choose to take it out on other people. But their days of terrorizing others are over. They are barely a squeak now.

 am not a fake. I will be 65 years old this Friday at 2:12 in the early afternoon and as I said above I do not know any of the people she claims I am associated with. The only person who I have found that feels entitled, arrogant, nasty, and vicious plus abusive is Aria Blue and her small group of fanatics.
I had decided that Aria Blue was not worth lowering myself to her level but a psuedo woman like Aria should never get in a catfight with a real woman like me.  I assume you must have used your quite limited mental faculties and figured my silence was a sign of weakness or something. The gloves are off Aria and if you think you can post these lies about me lets try posting the truth about you.
You need to check your sources because they are 100% incorrect. Mine are not 100% accurate but they are darn close about you.
I did not create this little cartoon but the person that did has a priceless sense of humor and did tell me about 70% is true about Aria but Sally is just a foil.  I think whoever did it took some creative license but I think you will find it hits close to home because some of it is dead on.
There is another cartoon there I cannot say I really like but you should enjoy that one also. Seems you have lots of friends or should I say lack of friends out there.
More to follow tomorrow including Aria's true history from his deep need to belong to the Village People so he could sing along with "In the Navy" and a special version of "Deadbeat Dad Rag" composed by his wife.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Memories and special people

I have lots of memories because I have been around for a while and they run the full spectrum from good to bad. Monday was a very special day for me and I was reminded of this on Christmas day by the mother of the boy that was instrumental in me actually being alive to write this blog.

Mary is the mother of Kevin who was the focus of the "A boy I knew and loved" post made a while back. We both live in the Carolina's now and I will admit she is one of the reasons I chose the area along with lots of golf courses and normally mild winters although that has not been the case lately. Mary was my second mother in so many ways along with being my mom's best friend.

We were together for Christmas and it was a wonderful reminder of how much I owe to some very kind and caring people who stepped out onto a very slim ledge and helped a really scared kid.  Mary was the nurse in the local Hospital Emergency Room where they patched me up after I was abused by confused bullies, raped by my neighbor, and pumped my stomach after multiple suicide attempts. Mary was quite up front and involved in my life before I knew she was involved in my life. She cared about me before her son and I fell in love which is amazing for the time.

We had an enjoyable time Saturday remembering the good times and there were a lot of them despite my situation because she was intimately involved in saving me along with my mom and her son. We met at my home and she told me she had something that I did not know even existed. Pictures of Mary, Kevin, and me taken in Massachusetts and up North. Nothing brings back memories like pictures and for some reason I am not a picture taker and really never have been but she sure was.

I have been told they are mine when her time comes which I hope is quite a while from now but it is funny what emotions come out when you see photos of yourself. I drove over to her home this evening and I am still in a little bit of shock after looking through photo albums. It has been a long time since I have seen a picture of me as a boy of 13 and it was kind of weird. I can write about those days but I am not sure I ever wanted to view pictures from those days and I did get to ask her the one question I have always wanted to ask which was simple.

Why did you join my mom and help me?

I am never going to go into details about what was said except she said it was the right thing to do because it was quite obvious you were a girl. Sometimes we lose sight of the fact people do stand up and help some of us.  I wish there were more but there are good people out there.  Well, there certainly were in my life.

This Monday was December 27, 2010 and 51 years earlier it was my mom and Mary that arranged my meeting with Dr. Benjamin just a few days short of my 14th birthday. It was one day after I did what can best be described as a short term transition which started on December 26, 1959 and moved from Massachusetts to the cold North.

In many ways Mary knew more of my secrets than my mother did.  It was her son that I loved and who loved me. Mary is the person that handed me my first dosage of estrogen at 3 AM in the morning on December 28, 1959 when she found me crying on the couch because I was still certain something bad would happen because I was so distrustful of doctors of any kind. Despite my meeting with Benjamin it was Mary that assured me that everything would be fine. Initially I cannot say I fully trusted Harry because Physicians up until that point in my life had only harmed me.

Mary saw the changes in my physical and psychological being over the next 3 plus years and shared my horror and pain when her son and my boyfriend died in Southeast Asia senselessly. She was the woman that taught me an awful lot about being a girl and she held my hand when I had to return to Massachusetts to my androgyny. Based on the pictures and her comments the only person I fooled was myself.

She was the Nurse that supplied the Physician's letter that excused me from gym because my body did not look very boy in shorts and a tee-shirt and she knew how dangerous it was for me after the hormones began changing me even more dramatically.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Holiday and it is not a bad time of year to think about all of those that helped any of us. Sometimes we think we are all alone when struggling with the nightmare that is being born transsexual but I am sure many of us have people or friends that were there for us and I know the best moment of this weekedn was when I got the chance to finally say "Thank You".

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Hopefully this is the final word but I doubt it.

What I know about a certain blogger will stay unpublished. I am sure they will still accuse me of being gay, a transvestite, and other nasty names but I will continue to argue with her over her misguided view of what this medical condition called transsexualism is and how it relates to people and not her ideology. If she doesn't like it she is welcome to comment here but that does assume she can use her immense internet skills to learn how to place a comment over here.  She seems to not be as internet literate as she thinks. Either that or she is afraid.

The only comment I can make about her is to please realize she is expressing an opinion and it is rarely based in fact and certainly not something she has experienced in most cases and her comments and nastiness towards those that question her is based in her own inferiority complex about herself and to consider the source.  I will try and do that myself but more people need to pressure her to be more honest about herself so please visit here and ask her what her experience is that gives her this insight into transsexualism.  Be prepared to be moderated quickly.

Actually Aria is far more civil than June Hingle who comments as nobody on my blog. I will just try and ignore June but it can be difficult. I can handle criticism but not the name calling and June can be quite vile so we will see.

What I write on this blog is my opinion if it is commentary and stories from my early life that might help others understand what it was like to be a kid like me in the 50s, 60s, and early 70s when this so called community began to form. If it bothers you what I write then please read another blog.

I need to add one more thing before I end this post. I never threatened this person unless the individual is afraid of her own narrative and in the email I told her that and she has my permission to post everything she knows about me because I really have little to hide other than my current identity.


Saturday, December 11, 2010

To be confused or not to be confused that is the question

For those that have not figured it out I love Shakespeare thus the play on words.

I received an email from someone I have not heard from in a very long time the other day.  It came out of the blue really. We communicated for  while and actually talked on the phone and I cannot remember if she disappeared before or after I had my own major medical scare but I believe it was during it in the 2004-5 time frame.  No big deal but I am a very cautious person and rarely give out enough information for anyone to know everything about me that could give my id away and certainly told her just minimal parts of my past and actually almost nothing of my situation at the time not that she was really interested.

She knew I had interest in helping kids that are transsexual and similar to me and she is an activist in England for transsexual children rights so she is to be commended for that. I gather she has been reading the blog and had worries which are not her concern but mine.

I found the comment baffling to be honest because this is confusing when you are a child and there is no information available and you honestly have no idea what is wrong but you know you are a girl. Now I know from personal experience there are not a whole lot of kids like this based on numbers Harry mentioned in multiple letters. The numbers are debatable according to some but intense child transsexuals are almost always type VI and they may come forward and they may not as we all know but in my time in the 1950's before I met Benjamin it was difficult because there was no information. Heck it is not that easy today for any kid with gender issues of any kind and I find it disturbing that some bureaucratic idiot does not realize kids are both scared and confused by this until they get help.

I do not believe I have emphasized confusion on my blog but if I have it is directly related to lack of available information and the confusion the Medical Profession deliberately threw at me as a child from Psychiatrists that said "you are not a girl and will be a transvestite or sexual deviant or worse" to a surgeon when I was 11 that deliberately scarred my arm when it was totally unnecessary and said "you will not be a bathing beauty now will you" after my grandmother put him up to it. Confusion was primarily because the Medical Community in my time was ill equipped to handle a kid like me so many kids in my era internalized it and buried it inside because they feared what could happen to them.

After I met Benjamin the confusion went away except who hasn't asked why was I born this way? That is very confusing to a kid who just wants to be normal. I was never and I repeat never confused about whether I was a girl because I always believed I was a girl and not even severe trauma changed that and I mean trauma where they tried to make me think I was not a girl which I have never written about but probably will have to now. They did things to me in a hospital that is so infamous in Massachusetts Psychiatric lore they closed it down and conveniently lost all the records because I tried to get them and they disappeared.

In my opinion if there is not some confusion then the child is probably not truthful or mommy and/or daddy have coached him well. In order to push this as a child the pain and intensity needs to be high but that does not mean every kid is transsexual. If the child tells you they are a girl trapped in a boys body then they have been coached.  If they simply say "I am a girl then be worried because the child needs help now. This is my opinion only and based on some friends and now 9 children 1 have been involved with from early ages that a friend and I have shepherded through this nightmare to young women and hopefully successful lives.

Just as a warning not one of the 12+ kids and adults that had this intense gender confusion ever demanded to be allowed to dress as girls at the age of 5 and had a tantrum because we were not allowed to.  Now this may piss people off but that is my experience and only my experience and may be different today but all of us had severe issues starting around 10 and got worse as puberty approached. Some of us got help before testosterone damage and some did not.  Hopefully today the policy is to not let that happen.

I know they put MTF and FTM kids on blockers but I know for me personally watching my body grow as a girls body should develop was soothing and wonderful.  Waiting to 16 is too old which is the current policy but again this is my opinion.

In conclusion I have heard about this issue with the NHS before where they expect the patient to be calm, cool, and dedicated but they do not understand children. They are thinking of late transitioners.  If you find a kid that is cool, calm, and dedicated you better check again because this is emotional, frightening,

Monday, December 6, 2010

Am I a bully? Do I perpetrate hate? Should I post what I know?

These are quite serious charges and have been made by June Hingle against me in numerous posts between her comments about me being a "monster", "gay", "he", chasing "gay boys", and other nastiness. She says my blog was begun with  hate and therefore cannot be productive or to promote any kind of good end result and I guess she uses my verbal jousting with Aria as her basis for said comments. Just to ensure her comments are not lost they are at the bottom of this post.

I am quite new to this blogging world and its etiquette but I am an experienced writer in other areas and I have tried to be open and honest about what I write about and have clearly stated these are my opinions. I hate thinking punctuation because I have had an editor to do it for me in the past so please forgive me for that.  OK. I am too damn lazy to punctuate at this stage in my life.

I have learned a lot from the other blogs I have read and I think I am willing to listen and more open to differences. If I was to list my controversial posts I would guess the one on "Mikki the scrabble player" and "why can't we pee together" would upset some people.  If you can think of others please remind me and get over it.

I have only defended myself after being attacked unless of course one considers arguing about personal opinions which is what I do or post my opinions which I also do or respond to what I see as unfair criticism which I also do. I have allowed people to say some very vile things about me in the comments section of posts and have only responded after I have been personally attacked.

Miss Hingle seems to think I promote hate and Aria promotes discussion and that even though aria professes expertise in all things transsexual and denigrates many in her path that I am the one wrong for talking openly about parts of my past.

I will make myself perfectly clear here.

I post about my life because I think I need to at least let people know I have some experience in this existence we have all fought through. There is nothing in here that can hurt me even though Miss Hingle seemed to think using my name Elizabeth Turner would hurt me. She thought she was hurting me exposing that name and then when I explained it was my first husband's last name and I have never used it except for posting, a precaution, she got exceedingly upset that I said that. Miss Hingle is upset that I express my opinion yet in the same comment says it is OK for someone else to express their opinion.

About Aria

I think if you are going to promote the fact that you are this great expert on all things transsexual like Aria you need to at least tell people how many years post you are, how old you are, when you transitioned, and what you felt as a child which in no way outs you.  Aria has called me basically "gay", "a transvestite", a "sock puppet", "gay boy chaser", 'not transsexual", and has promoted herself as the only "true" transsexual type there is and everyone who is transgender is gay or certainly nothing but a transvestite and is paranoid about having her womanhood stolen by gay men. This is a short synopsis and Miss Hingle thinks this is fine I guess.

In fact Miss Hingle described Aria to me in a private email and she was less than flattering and then tried to send me the pictures which I refused because I would never post current pictures of anyone. My discussions with Aria have resulted in a lot of email from many different people providing information about Aria including among the items her real name which I deleted and then informed the person not to put such information out there.  I have received multiple emails that confirm many details about Aria's relationship to this nasty malady called transsexualism and to be kind she is not very forthright about her qualifications and there are very valid reasons for her secretive nature about herself.

I guess having this information might make me a bully but I am in a quandary as to whether I should post it or not. It will not out her because I would never do that and I want to reiterate that point but when you are lying about so much and saying such vile things about others the temptation is there to post it all and let the chips fall where they fall.

When you hurt people and make claims not substantiated in fact about yourself maybe you deserve what you get.  It is actually one of the reasons I post what I post about myself. I went through a lot of the pain a long time ago and I thought it was important to write about some of it and let people understand I am not a fraud as I have been accused of being by Aria, her friends, and her new friend Miss Hingle.

I am willing to bet most of her sycophants do not realize what a disingenuous person Aria is. The information will certainly bruise Aria's ego but it is harmless to her as a person as long as the lies have not become part of the delusion she has built around herself.

My email address is in my profile so let me know what you think I should or just comment here. I have changed my mind multiple times and am leaning towards "not" putting it out there but I have flipped on that three times today already.

They say the truth shall set you free. So I would like a sort of informal vote on this but I do reserve the right not to do it despite what everyone says.

nobody said...
nobody said...

Main article: Cyber-bullying
According to Canadian educator Bill Belsey, it:

...involves the use of information and communication technologies such as e-mail, cell phone and pager text messages, instant messaging, defamatory personal Web sites, blogs, online games and defamatory online personal polling Web sites, to support deliberate, repeated, and hostile behaviour by an individual or group, that is intended to harm others.
—Cyberbullying: An Emerging Threat to the Always On Generation[56]
Bullies will even create blogs to intimidate victims worldwide.[57]"
nobody said...
Look in the mirror Liz.


I have a habit of removing posts that I have made, but I only do it when it becomes obvious that the site I post them to perpetrates hate. I don't remove things because I am embarrassed, but bewildered, and at a loss.

I wish you well...really. You ought to find a better outlet for your feelings, and your story.

Publish a book about your life.

In the context of a blog, a person's writings can be misinterpreted, or the person writing the blog can make statements that contradict their own previous words. There is no upcoming "moral to the story, and the "summation" of the story is only in the overall content of the bloggers intent.

You started your blog by bashing someone who blocked you from "her blog". You can't expect that a blog which was begun with hate to be productive, or to promote any kind of good end result.

I made an attempt at being a friend, but that got lost in your own need to push the Aria issue too far.

That is not what I am about. Aria is human being like anyone else. She also has a right to her opinions. Aria is strong, and will persist being the person she is. She doesn't need to tell everyone about every aspect of her personal life.

We all get to be the summation of everything we've experienced in life. We are all unique. It does not make us bad just because we have our own personal opinions that irk others.

I wish you could address the commonalites, rather than the differences. It wouldn't hurt to suppress some of the hate. ;)

Friday, December 3, 2010

A boy I knew and loved

I know I have ruffled some feathers as the old saying goes and I certainly have my own opinions and sometimes I may come on too strongly and I would hope people would realize I am not putting myself in a position as better than anyone primarily because I really have no position to defend in this perceived war between the fringes of the transsexual and the transgender communities because it is my firm belief that the majority of transsexuals and the majority of those identifying as transgender wish no harm on either group and do not perceive the other as a threat.

The following rather vile comment was posted in response to my post "Sometimes you need to poke the animals" which was a title not directed at any individual but a metaphor because I felt uncomfortable replacing animals with transsexuals. June Hingle made the following comment and for all concerned she was never part of this conversation or discussion but decided to interject herself.


This appears to be someone's very ignorant comment about you:

"I gather from your comment on Aria's blog that you were into girls before you started transitioning which puts you in the Aria camp and means you never felt the intensity and discomfort the majority of Type VI felt."

So she (or "he" for that matter) has the divine ability to know what others have internally gone through. Amazing!

How about this one:

"At least you had an outlet which those that were attracted to boys did not have."

...And (He) didn't? He had his gay friends. He was able to act out the part of whatever he felt he was by being with another "gay boy", and playing the girly part. Some of us didn't have that "luxury". Some of us fought those feelings inside, as painful as it would get. Some of us were so conscientious of the bodies we were born with that we would push the boys away, even when the "urge" became overwhelming.

These generalizations about people, the bashing, calling names, the acting as if she(or he) knows it all are sure signs of an internal conflict within (his, or her) own being.

Anne, you have never said anything demeaning about Liz (or me), but Liz has no qualms about expressing whatever comes to mind without even the slightest worry that she (or her) might have stepped on someone's heart, or innermost feelings.

Good going Liz, you once again showed face.

December 1, 2010 2:05 PM

I made a misinformed comment after a comment by Anne on Aria's blog and deserved to be criticized for my error and apologized but it was between Anne and me and not Miss Hingle who enjoys playing fast and loose with her homophobia and her vile comments about me along with her perceived delusions about herself. I realize she is mentally ill so I will not attack her personally like she has me unless it gets worse and then I do reserve the right to respond but I am going to tell you the true story about that boy she calls gay and a terrified and confused child that began in 1958.  I will leave it to my readers to make the decision.

I was very young when I entered High School in 1958 but I was as tall then as I am today at 5'-8" and didn't weigh much more than 115-120. I had no idea what I was but from my tenth birthday on my gender discomfort just got worse and worse and I spent a lot of time crying and begging mom to let me be a girl but it was the 1950s and that was not going to happen. I did try to fit in for my mom but it was senseless.  I had no idea I was transsexual and had no idea I had low testosterone and slightly elevated estrogen levels but my body was just weird. By the time I reached High School I knew I was attracted to boys but only as a girl and that I want to make sure is clear.  I could never have been with a boy as a boy as Miss Hingle claims.

I had been tutoring kids since the 8th grade and it was no different in High School. I guess I was not very threatening because I was and am a good teacher. I was assigned a boy that was an athlete and a junior.  Actually he was the star athlete and he needed to be kept eligible.When he walked into the Library late for our first meeting I admit he made me gasp because I had never really seen him and he was just so fine. Our first session was uncomfortable for me because I had never been near a boy I was attracted to and I was forceful when telling him not to be late.

The thing that I noticed early on was he kept peeking looks at me and we had to sit close together to go over his lessons.  I was terrified of boys. I was terrified to walk the corridors between classes. I was terrified to go near a bathroom. I was terrified on the way to school and on the way home from school because it was more like a gauntlet and I got hurt a lot. Between my 10th and 14th birthdays I made 17 trips to the emergency room at the local Hospital.  Only 3 or 4 of those trips were for my suicide attempts. Between being deliberately pushed into a peat-bog fire by a neighbor, an attempted rape gone wrong, and assaults by confused boys that thought it was good sport to beat the shit out of the kid that was different I got hurt a lot and not one time did the police or anyone help except this one nurse that kept telling the Police they will kill this child unless you stop this which brought about the "boys will be boys" and "he asked for it being that way" like I really had much of a choice. Among the injuries was a broken arm, a broken wrist, a dislocated shoulder, and sundry minor cuts and bruises.

I was so scared of boys that if one said boo I jumped and tried to run. It did not help that this boy Kevin's friends were 3 of the boys that hurt me all the time. I was in the state of constant terror and I was not running around chasing boys and I disliked girls because they had what I wanted more than living. That picture of me on my profile was me only younger. I didn't do boy that well and in honesty I had just stopped trying to be what I was not when I reached High School. It was the beginning of my open rebellion against being what I was not.

A short time after I began tutoring him he noticed me peeking a look and asked in a non threatening way why I was staring at him but there was no such thing as non-threatening if a boy asked me anything. My instincts when I thought I was going to be hurt was to find a spot against a wall and curl up and cover my face to protect it and I did this asking him not to hurt me. I wore glasses then and they flew off when I moved to safety and I can still remember so clearly how kind he was in telling me he would never think of hurting me and his brown eyes were just so kind and he said something weird like 'you have such beautiful eyes" and caught himself in mid-sentence.

My first year in High School resulted in everyone figuring I was a "fag" and other pretty nasty words. Kevin tried to be my friend but I would have none of it. I was so fearful I built a stone wall around myself and the only people let inside those walls were my brother Ray and my mother. I did not know at this time that mom was writing to Harry and I was not told about the results of the tests run on me at Children's Hospital in Boston.  I was a good mushroom because I was totally in the dark and I had enough water to survive.

School was easy and Kevin's grades rapidly got better and as the school year ended I was 13 1/2 and almost paranoid about being caught alone by boys.  Kevin had talked with me in the school corridors but I pushed him away hard. I will not go into the event but his friends basically threatened to maim me permanently if I did not do something for them and Kevin actually stepped in to protect me which made me say yes. It ended up with an amazing kiss and believe me by I responded although it was unexpected.

He would not let them hurt me and I broke down and told him everything about me and I mean everything from believing I am a girl to I will die before I have to be a boy and I learned a lot from him about the weird confusion he and his friends had over me. Other than him being the first person to ever see me  as a girl literally we developed a boy-girl relationship that never went to far.

My mom and my brothers and I went off for a planned family vacation in Europe and I have read all the early letters between Harry and my mom and he told her she would lose me if I continued down this path to certain suicide. My mom got a up close and personal look at what life was like for me on the flight to London and then at British Customs when a Heathrow Immigration official refused to believe I was her son and there was a very public dispute that left me crying, my brother ray ready to punch a Brit, and my mother shocked at how cruel people could be. She knew I had physical altercations but except for the attempted rape I never ratted out anyone because it would have just been worse.

Things happened on that trip that began the process of saving me from me really and from being intensely transsexual at this time. By the time we returned home in late July mom had decided I needed to meet with Benjamin but again I was not informed of this for family reasons and I was never good at keeping secrets.

When we returned home I had spent the majority of the trip as Elizabeth because it was just easier that way on everyone.  I was registered in the hotels and flew that way and we never had another issue.  When mom handed our passports and said she was with her three children nobody thought twice about checking  the passport of her children. I had no idea what would happen between Kevin and me and was quite grateful for him just believing I was a girl so when I met with him the first Monday back home I expected nothing and figured why would a boy like him give a shit about a freak like me.

It was 1959 and my mom knew I was not going back to playing boy.  I was a failure at it so why waste the effort. I think Kevin noticed the changes in me immediately.  Mom had cut my hair so it looked beautiful and I was so happy he still liked me I was afraid to ask him how he could like a freak like me. I know it was because I was afraid of the answer but Kevin never pushed things or tried to go to far.

That Monday he had his parents car and he drove me to Duxbury Massachusetts to a secluded section of the beach where he had a picnic planned and I was emotional because it was actually sort of a date and we walked the ocean front and we stopped to talk with some clammers and we held hands and I  guess everyone thought i was his girlfriend which is a pretty powerful feeling for a kid as screwed up as I was. He bought some clams and we had fresh raw clams and some coca cola and a wonderful picnic and some nice necking for dessert.

That was the best summer of my life. My brother Ray was the star athlete of the other High School and it turned out he and Kevin were good friends and I eventually learned Kevin's mom Mary was my mother's best friend when they were in High School. There were two other times when we were able to get away together and he took me to a drive-in in Brockton Mass and I got in big trouble because i got home long after my curfew but I was not grounded but then I didn't know what everyone else knew around then.

I wanted Kevin as a girl wants a boy and I would have been gone in a second if he had pushed things.  I was a girl of my era.  I wanted children, a husband, and a home with a white picket fence which was how most of us were brainwashed back then. I wanted to save myself for marriage which was  about as dumb as it gets because at that time I had absolutely no idea I could be helped.

When High School started again in September it was hard. I craved his attention and I detailed every flaw of every girl I saw him speak with which is humorous since I had the biggest flaw of them all or the wrong bits. I met with another shrink beginning in November because mom may have eased the restrictions on my expressing my girl side and may have decided it was a good idea to meet Harry at some point but a "cure" and a return to her son was still the first best option although my mom never said a hurtful thing to me in all those years.

This shrink came highly recommended and even though Harry wrote mom and said it was ill  advised we met and this clown set me up for  a nasty fall.  He was a bastard and i was so depressed come Thanksgiving 1959 my mom told Kevin's mom Mary and everyone to keep an eye on me because they were worried. everyone went to the football game on thanksgiving morning but my relatives deliberately left me behind to be harassed by members of my extended family that considered me evil and a degenerate and it got ugly and I snapped  basically and walked away from my home around 1 PM in shorts and a shirt neither of which were too masculine and made the very long walk from our home to the Atlantic Ocean and walked down the beach towards the tidal marsh that was guarded by the man-made jetty that created a massive outbound cauldron about 3-4 hours after the tide had started outbound. A lot of kids had drowned in it because we swam there.

It was November in Massachusetts and the weather can turn on a dime and it was very warm in the morning but a cold front was approaching and by the time I reached the place where I decided to throw myself into the water it was in the 40's and raining and it was well past sunset but the tide was just starting out so I had to wait. I waited under the bridge that ran over the jetty and when the time was right as I was about to end it because once in the water any swimmer would be carried 1/2 mile into the bay and the water temperature was in the 40's.  I was pulled off the rocks by Kevin who remembered seeing me swim there and he knew how dangerous it was.

Funny thing is I almost succeeded anyways because I developed double pneumonia, I already ahd a bad cold, and was in intensive care for a while and was given the last rites by Kevin's parish priest which infuriated my grandmother since we were congregational.  Her priorities were a little skewed then. Kevin saved my life and actually risked his own to pull me off. It was a pretty big event and by then everyone in my home town knew from the previous June that I really wanted to be a girl.

I knew by then mom knew something was going on between Kevin and me because he was there every day and when I returned to school just before Christmas I heard the rumors about us which was scandalous for 1959.  Mary's two brothers were noted surgeons in Montreal where she was originally from and it was they along with my mom and Mary that arranged the meeting with Benjamin which took place outside the US in Canada for my safety and Harry's. Parts of my family could be evil and they would have hurt me and Harry.

I transitioned that Christmas vacation and started hormones around 3 AM on December 28, 1959. Kevin knew me as both the androgynous kid in High School and as Elizabeth from that time forward until his death. hen I was raped by my neighbor in February 1960 it was Kevin that tried to kill my next door neighbor rapist and I spent two weeks in the hospital with a fractured skull and bruises and bleeding from places I would rather forget about but Kevin was there for me.

Kevin's dad was a US Ranger on Normandy during the invasion and despite scholarship offers he went into the US Army and became a Green beret eventually. I still had one more year in High School and Kevin had told me we should go to his Senior Prom and I could go as the real me but I was afraid to do it but I should have. After the rape everyone realized we were an item and it was weird but OK.  I think by then everyone realized I certainly wasn't a boy and was more than likely a girl as estrogen began to change my body even more.

It was lonely without Kevin around but if he got leave he came home and we were able to spend time together in Quebec with his family and it was apparent to all things were serious but it never went too far. It was Kevin that put the breaks on and we never went to far. I started college in the Midwest in the fall of 1961 but not before I was put through every gender test in existence along with a battery of medical tests. They confirmed girl but Harry wanted tests by people he trusted and he knew people there.

Kevin was my boyfriend and I was totally in love with him but I never expected him to love me because even though I knew surgery was on the horizon when I turned 18 why would he want to be with a freak like me. Kevin removed those fears I had in February of 1963 when he visited me at college and he asked me to marry him and believe me this 17 year old said yes so fast it might have been supersonic when it came through my lips. We planned on getting married after surgery which was to be done around Christmas or early in 1964 before I returned to school.  We planned to meet somewhere and consummate our love because what I so wanted was him.

His Green Beret team was one of the early ones into Southeast Asia and that shit hole known as Vietnam. On May 15 1963 the helicopter his team was in was shot down on a clandestine operation in a nearby country not called Vietnam and that beautiful caring brown eyed boy died along with his friends and comrades defending his country like his dad only he died in a place that can best be described as the asshole of the universe.

He was a kind decent boy who saw something good in a really sad, scared, and terrified girl and the only reason I am alive today is because he cared about me. I loved him and he loved me and I wish I could have spent my life with him as his wife because we would have made each other happy.  I was always Elizabeth or Liz to him and he never used anything but female pronouns in my company. He was a few months short of his 21st birthday when he died in the Service of his Country and he did not deserve that.

Some of you may believe that was  a gay relationship but it never was.  I barely survived his death but I did and maybe his death is why I do not handle loss very well but as they say  it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all and I do not regret one single second I spent with Kevin plus that boy took a huge risk with no fringe benefits and he had more faith in me than I did in myself. I was 17 years 4 months and 15 days old when he died and he will be in my heart to the day I die.


Thursday, December 2, 2010

Redneck fishing to back up a dubious position

One of the interesting things about my move to the Southeastern part of the United States is I have become reacquainted with the redneck section of the human species. My first experiences with rednecks came during the civil rights era of the 60's when a lot of us, even scared me, got involved and my University was not that long of a drive to Alabama and the heart of the debate so we went in numbers and protested and marched.

The funny thing was most of the rednecks were not that bad just highly misinformed. Most rednecks were just slightly better off than the black Americans they had been conditioned to hate and were the other side of cheap labor in the South which made the rich purveyors of the hatred even richer. It was no accident many of the leaders of the KKK were businessmen,  landowners, and farmers in need of cheap labor for higher profit. It is more complex than this simple explanation but this was a major part of it.

I am in a nice ethnically diverse middle class neighborhood down here in NASCAR Country and I have a good old boy redneck living next to me. His wife and I have become good friends and they had a BBQ late in the summer with my favorites and I commented the fish tasted very fresh and Larry, not the Cable Guy, said he had caught all the fish that very morning and I was suitably impressed because there was a lot of fish for the 20 odd neighbors that attended the BBQ.

I told his wife her husband must be one hell of a fisherman and she told me he couldn't use a fishing pole to save his life.  She said he goes redneck fishing and she takes me to the freezer in the garage and pulls out several sticks of dynamite and proceeds to tell me they go to the stream in a couple of boats and throw dynamite into the water with waterproof fuses and the explosion stuns or kills the fish and I learned about redneck fishing and I am not going near that freezer. Not that I ever have fished much but that would seem to take the artistry or skill out of the concept of fishing.

There are many activists that seem to follow a similar pattern when defending their positions only it is  fishing for facts to back a particular position. They throw spurious arguments and comments into their posts few of which are based in fact and if per chance they are called on it, assuming they allow themselves to be called on it, they just throw more dynamite into the process in the form of bullshit and hope they can confuse the issue even more or stun the readers and hopefully kill off the opponents in the process. This could be called the excessive bullshit defense also.

They even confuse themselves with this defense and might seem to switch opinions in the middle of a post or more often in the very next blog. They will then of course turn to deflecting the criticism by moving on to a different stick of dynamite.

Right about now I really don't have a side in this debate. I might have originally but after reading about others on here I may not understand some things but I cannot hate someone because they are different from me but I do have some opinions I will defend.  Now I realize the self-appointed power activists like Aria will take offense to my critiques of her and I do admit she really pisses me off at times but there are just times she confuses her flawed logic with being factual because she says it is so so it is so and there is no question I can do the same but I will try and correct my ignorance while she just throws more dynamite trying to hide hers behind the noise, smoke, and the bullshit she spews.

Now I can be pig-headed when I have an opinion and someone dismisses it with the dynamite or bullshit response because I want proof I am wrong if I am wrong. I believe as Benjamin believed that this is something inborn in us and that we truly are girls which Aria believes also except Aria wants to only let her kind of girls join the group. It is quite a simple concept actually when one looks at it logically. Our brains are wired female but our body has a birth defect. Benjamin and even Freud believed that.  Yes even Sigmund Freud thought we were born this way when he discussed it with Benjamin at a meeting in the 30's.

My opinion is quite simple. Since it is inborn in us then gender and sexual orientation are mutually exclusive and not linked but once awareness of one's sexual orientation arrives they must work in some form of harmony whether others believe it or not because we are sexual beings for the most part.  Now this can take the form of heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual.

The other opinion I have is that the intensity of the gender discomfort based on the birth defect is not the same in everyone but in a transsexual it will eventually reach the point where the transsexual decides enough is enough and deals with it. The intensity or gender discomfort grows over time because we evolve and when children we have little idea about the vagaries of gender, sexual orientation, and whatever. We are children and we are confused by this discomfort but we are still children and parents and society can push us into doing stupid things to survive.

Depending on what happens as a child many can repress the issue which in my opinion is horrific for those individual children but at some point the gender discomfort or the transsexual condition will force itself to the front while it simmers painfully in their everyday life. Some say it doesn't but some are better at supressing it maybe because they were forced to internalize it.

For some the intensity of the discomfort prevents them from caving in to the pressures to be a good boy if you are MTF but all of us tried to fit in and that includes me. Some have other conditions that make it tough to fit in and maybe we were intersex but I certainly did not ask to be born both transsexual and with hormonal issues although the low testosterone was a benefit eventually it was not a benefit when you are a confused preteen or teenager.

For anyone to imply intensity is bullshit like Aria does falls flat on its face based simply on the facts and those facts sit in the diversity of this blog world and the totally different narratives everyone has and all the different time-frames when intensity forced the issue. Most of the really late transitioners come from my era because information and help were not available. I cannot imagine how difficult it must have been to live with that daily pain when you realize everything is a lie but they survived but some are scarred for life by it and the human brain is amazing in its ability to carry on.

I cannot pretend to understand how a MTF transsexual can marry a woman and have children but Benjamin believed it was possible and he saw many instances of it during his clinical research into transsexualism and I have several friends that have and it is nothing to be ashamed of but what does irritate me is because I liked boys and was transsexual I am or was somehow gay which is Aria's position. I did not live the other side of this so I am no expert on it although I think I understand it better now than I ever have.

My comments about her latest post were met with the expected response but one of comments illustrates the dynamite or bullshit defense she uses perfectly. She was asked several questions about what she said about me earlier, which I appreciate, and she answered none of them but used the dynamite approach to move in another direction.

She went on a rant against the Sexologist "experts"  and then equated them with slurs against gays and lesbians. 

The vast majority of these sexologist “experts” need to get the message that the younger generations do not consider gay or lesbian as a slur to be hurled. Most of the under 40 crowd has no problem with people’s sexual orientation and didn’t experience the level of shame or the social ostracization that older people had to endure.

As a result the younger generations generally do not have the same issues with sexuality. So the situation becomes very clear when someone is trying to shame and control others using their orientation as an insult. This is something that I have observed over and over, as I said. And it always comes from people who share that sexologist viewpoint that people need to sorted into bins based on sexual orientation. This is not acceptable.

Those people who want to “study” young gay boys need to find something else to do. The never got the message that being gay or lesbian is not pathological. Homosexuality was removed from the DSM almost 40 years ago, but go to the “Kurt Freund” lab and you’d never know it.

For what purpose do these people do “research” on gay/lesbian children and adolescents? This whole thing stinks to high heaven, and anyone who buys into that horrible garbage needs to be seriously questioned because that is an extremist minority viewpoint that should be extinct.

Excuse me but aren't you the one throwing around the terms "gay transsexual" and demeaning children that were effeminate as nothing more than "gay boys" and aren't you the one using "prehomosexual" which might be the most offensive word I can think of? You have continually pointed to these  studies of effeminate or feminine boys to propose your belief even those kids that are transsexual are really just gay boys. You have even used Person-Ovesey and their study to justify your preeminence as a "primary" transsexual or is it the only "true" kind of transsexual.

You are the "Chicken Little" of the transsexual world screaming the gays are coming to dethrone my womanhood or it is a transgender conspiracy against Aria. Transgenders are gay which is your favorite comment or at least one you bandy about and how is that not homophobic.  The very phrase is homophobic as you are even though you bite your tongue because many of your followers are lesbian.

Aria Blue says:

Lol, what’s Liz’s problem now? I stopped taking that person seriously after the series of gaffes they made with their story on the blog awhile back.
Not that I ever really took them very seriously in the first place. I don’t think whoever they are is very bright. They certainly can’t follow an argument or train of thought.
When questioned about the gaffes:

I’m not going to go into the gaffes, I’ll let the author of that blog try to figure it out. I do find it encouraging that the sexual-orientation-hierarchy crowd has retreated to Benjamin and his “psycho-sexual inversion” terminology. This is some real progress. We’re one step from doing away with this nonsense once and for all.
 I am certainly not immune to making gaffes but this is another example of the dynamite defense ass she fires the Benjamin comment and I am afraid it is Aria that has issues with following her own argument and if she has a train of thought it is scattershot at best and is based entirely in her paranoia.

For clarity, my goal is to narrow the definition of “transsexual” to a single birth condition just like “Klinefelter’s”, or any of the other congenital intersex phenomena. I want to see “transsexual” narrowly construed so that only those born with that specific condition appear as TS in the medical literature. The wide application of “transsexual” to anyone who is “gender variant” or happens to pay for a sex change has done nothing but harm to everyone involved and created fodder for the sexologists. That’s why they keep it going.
I would like transsexualism to be defined as an intersex condition but I just don't want someone like you holding the reigns defining who qualifies.

I have actually never read anywhere where anyone that is gender variant was described as transsexual.  I have read them described as transgender which under its umbrella does include gender variant individuals.  I guess it may happen but nobody in the "real" world gives a shit about that.

I find it funny that someone would call me hysterical for pointing out widely known facts, and adding my own observations to them. That is another thing the sexologist “operatives” like to do. People like Hontas Farmer and others have been (crudely) employing that technique for years and it gets less effective each time.
In fact her sight listed as the Fact site is interesting but is in reality a site that would provide counter opinions to some of Aria's rants so I gather she only rad what supported her view.  Myopic but expected. Hontas Farmer is a tool if it even exists and yes you are hysterical and that is not hysterically funny but "Chicken Little" hysterical.       

At this point it should be pretty obvious to anyone born ts who Liz is, based on our own experiences. I’m not going to waste any more time with someone who is so arrogant and condescending that they would call Lisa and I “animals” in the title of a post.
Wow coming from the person absolutely nobody knows anything about that is quite a comment. I guess I must have made up my Benjamin appointment card and the other items. Just who am I then??

It was a metaphor you nitwit and I was not calling you or lisa animals primarily because it might insult the animals of the world. (That was a joke by the way)

Nobody who went through what we did would look down their long nose at other women with that kind of a superiority complex. We’re dealing with someone who seriously thinks they are better than the rest of us. That’s one of those things to look for when you sniff out these fakes too; they just can’t help it because they have their own psychological issues, usually sociopathy. That’s why they weasel their way into areas where they can have power over vulnerable people. It’s sickening.

 Wow here we go with some more dynamite in the water. Again anyone that reads this blog knows I do not consider myself better than anyone. I am not the asshole trying to set up an exclusive transsexual club for me and my friends like you are where you choose who is transsexual because you are the "expert". That is just so typical of you.  Poor Aria the martyr who fights the good fight against the evil doers that are trying to claim her womanhood like if she really was a woman that is possible.


[soh-see-uh-path, soh-shee-] Show IPA
–noun Psychiatry .
a person, as a psychopathic personality, whose behavior is antisocial and who lacks a sense of moral responsibility or social conscience.

I think that fits you better than anyone I have met online.

I find it amusing you consider me a fake when I have been far more open about myself than you have and have provided relevant documentation but then this is the main arsenal in your weaponry against dissent. Accuse them of being frauds. Somehow try to link them to someone like a Hontas Farmer and hope it sticks. Even for someone like you that is quite pathetic.

If you would like Aria I could provide my profile of you. The only possibility of a fraud in this conversation is you Aria and the only chance of a fake  is you Aria. In my mind it always comes down to who you really are which is a mystery. People can see who I am or was but nobody has a clue who you are.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Sometimes you need to poke the animals

Blog post note #1
Aria seems to feel it was an insult to use the term animals which was not aimed at her but an attempt at a bit of wry humor because the phrase Do not poke the xxxx or Don't poke the xxxx implies if you aggravate me you will be sorry or get hurt. I did think animals was a better metaphor but I could redo the title as
Sometimes you need to poke the transsexual but that seemed a little nasty.

Sometimes you just cannot please everyone.

I have been thinking quite a lot about the transsexual narrative lately. A lot of this may be because of my issue with a certain person or the issue she has with me is more to the point. I guess if there was a narrative it started with people like Christine Jorgensen and her story but I am afraid the narrative everyone complains about or talks about or discusses the most often is the narrative of kids like I was or the feminine boy syndrome which has caused a great deal of controversy in and out of the medical profession.

The normal narrative I hear so many   repeat is I knew I was a girl early on, I told everyone, I was feminine, I liked boys, and so forth with individuals diverging off the path at some point. There is never any real definition of how or why one is that way and to be honest too many claim it because it is convenient and will get you help regardless of the age help is sought at. The truth is it is just not that simple and there are many reasons for it but first I will describe me and then discuss what I think really happens in many in my opinion based on just my experiences.

I remember telling grandfather I was a girl when he told me "be a good little boy and get him his pen" as we sat together preparing for him to do the New York Times crossword puzzle in ink while he pretended I actually helped. I remember telling him "but I am a girl" and I have absolutely no idea why I said it other than I believed i was a girl.  There is no reason for this to happen and as a bright child after I was sat down by my grandfather I knew physically I was not a girl but then it isn't physical is it.

There were no girl toys in my house with two brothers and the only girl child in the neighborhood was Roberta who lived several houses down and was 1 year older than me. Even after my parents knew I never faced any issues because I didn't push things because my mom contracted paralytic polio and I was distraught over that but I remember asking my mom when she got home why I could not dress like other girls.  I did identify more with Roberta than boys and by 6 physically I was very different from my brothers.  They were stocky and strong like my dad and I was thin and consistently mistaken for my mom's daughter if we were out together.

In my mom's letters to Harry early on in the October-November time-frame in 1958 she asked Harry why her son thought he was a girl and Harry used the word angeboren which in German means it is inborn based on my translation. All I remember is I had no idea why I felt that way but I knew I was a girl and I wanted to be a girl which is why mom took me to the first Psychiatrist. I was not running around screaming like a little brat that I needed to live as a girl and I certainly was not cross-dressing at such an early age unless it was when I played house with Roberta and I always wanted to be her little sister.  Go figure!

It was getting caught by Roberta's father that triggered the Psychiatrist adventures that would begin my attempts at suicide which were not because I wasn't allowed to be a girl but I was terrified of being what they said I would be which was at times very unflattering and being told you are crazy by a Psychiatrist is scary for a very confused 8 year old kid even one as bright as I was. I was just so totally confused it seemed hopeless because there was nobody to help me. In all honesty I was so confused by it all at times I was in a daze but I was kind of shy and reserved out of fear they would stick me in some mental hospital as was threatened by several Psychiatrists.

The gender discomfort began to get more intense as I approached my tenth birthday. Lots of boys are pretty at a young age but they change over time and become boy pretty if that makes sense but that didn't happen for me and I was 2-3 years younger than everyone in school and the bullying began because I was tall for my age even at 10 and boys were learning they liked girls and boys started mistaking me for a girl which I actually liked. It was around 10 that I simply asked my mother why I just couldn't be a girl which I am sure confused her.  My suicide attempts up until then were because Psychiatrist's said I was crazy and would remain a boy and grow into a man and I better get use to it along with some very vile names and physically I was not developing like most boys and certainly not like my two brothers.

I think the concept of intensity is not discussed enough when discussing us. I have no idea how to categorize it but Harry made an initial attempt with his three categories of  transsexuals but the key point is intensity changes over time. In my case the intensity grew over time because when you are 4 or 5 what the heck did I know about my condition. I thought I was a girl and over time the Gender discomfort became worse. It grew more intense and I don't know why but it did. I became more uncomfortable in my own skin which is a weird thing to say but from 10-12 I know my mom would tell you I cried an awful lot about it and begged her to let me be a girl. My mom never put me down during this time although I know she wanted to "cure" me.

I was very confused and really hurting. There were weird moments like when our neighbor gave birth to a son and I got to hold him and I remember telling my mom "he is so beautiful" and I didn't want to let him go. It was around this time I began to do some cross-dressing because I was practicing for when I became a girl but it was not extensive.

There is no such thing as a gay 10 year old because quite simply the number of ten year old's that are sexually aware and aware of their sexual preference so will these loons that call young kids please stop calling effeminate or feminine boys homosexuals or gay. Not until puberty kicks in does any human became homosexual, heterosexual, or bi-sexual and puberty kicks in sometime between 10-14. Because someone is feminine or effeminate does not make them gay at any time from birth to puberty and there is no such thing as pre-homosexual.

After my 12th birthday is when life took a big turn but first a short discussion on the MTF transsexual condition. If being MTF is a birth defect and a MTF is really a girl and an FTM is really a boy is where many including Aria and her flock lose credibility in their myopic beliefs. When puberty is reached the vast majority of girls like boys and the vast majority of boys like girls. Making the claim that a MTF transsexual who likes boys is gay falls apart based simply on the premise that transsexualism is inborn.  In point of fact if a MTF likes girls it is they that are gay or lesbian.  Any other premise falls apart unless this is NOT a birth condition. If gender is between the ears then a MTF transsexual regardless of how hard they repress their transsexualism should like boys or certainly be predisposed to liking boys based simply on the percentages. I agree this is a simplistic view but it is more based in fact than someone I will talk about later.

I realized after my 12th birthday I was attracted to boys and it was decidedly scary. I was not gay because my gender was female so liking a boy was normal for me but I was constantly bullied because of appearance and a natural inclination towards being feminine because I really was a girl. Personally I never tried to attract boys out of fear but when a boy broke down my defenses I certainly did not push him away.  He actually saved my life both emotionally and prevented a suicide attempt.

I had never thought once about sex or sexual preference before I was 12 and had a similar attitude towards boys that most genetic girls have.  They were icky and too rough and so forth. That changed and it was scary realizing boys were cute and I went to my mom and this was eventually what scared her into writing to Harry but it did make her decide to take me to Children's Hospital in Boston where the low testosterone level was discovered and a slightly elevated estrogen levels were found for whatever that is worth.

It is very simple.  You cannot have it both ways.  If being transsexual means we are born this way so our gender is predefined, I believe this, then since a MTF is the female gender liking boys is 100% normal. Why am I writing about this? Well we now get to the point of the post.

In  Aria's   latest blog post she says being transsexual has nothing to do with being gay which is 100% correct but per usual Aria is off-base. I would hope that Aria would answer a question but we all know the Queen of Hysteria never answers questions and we are to believe her because she is Aria and yes I am poking the paranoid animal in this case.

Aria has this paranoid belief that somehow people are trying to replace "true" transsexuals, which of course she belongs to, with gay transsexuals.  There is where her argument goes down the toilet to be blunt because there is no such thing as a gay transsexual unless said MTF or FTM transsexual as an awareness of sexual preference and it is the same gender they identify with.

The following paragraphs are contradictory.

When I pointed out that transsexual children (reproductively male) are not effeminate, I had a specific purpose in mind.  While it is true that these children displayed little outward sign of the true problem, that is because by that point the window of opportunity for observing them had passed.  There is no data at all on true ts children prior to this wall of silence.  At the point the child is being put to the question by a cold, authoritative figure, the child has withdrawn from the world and you will gain no insight into them whatsoever.  You other TS people will understand why this is so.  Others can just guess.

By 7-10 years of age the transsexual individual has long passed the stage where their self-knowledge can be expressed freely; the real world has come crashing in and the bleakness of their fate is clear.  Whether its the admonitions of their parents or the evidence of their own eyes, these kids are all too aware of reality.  Transsexual kids have a physical birth defect; that doesn’t mean they are crazy.

First off there is absolutely not one single reputable study that supports her premise that all transsexual children are not effeminate.  Aria knows this how?? There is data on this fact and she herself supplied it in the Person-Ovesey study which even if it is flawed it did point out that of the 10 effeminate/feminine children 5 were truly transsexual.  Now Aria cannot have it both ways since she firmly believes the "primary" transsexual defined by Person-Ovesey is who she is and has made frequent claims that it was the effort to change this definition of "primary" was done to rob her specifically of her position as a primary transsexual.

The last line in the second paragraph blows her entire premise coldly out of the water. If it is a physical birth defect sweetie then you better like boys or you are a lesbian which is fine but it does not make you better than anyone else which is your main claim per usual. For someone that has consistently claimed they believe some want a hierarchy or believe in elitism you sure seem hell bent on setting yourself up as "the elite".

I am guessing here but I am betting this is really Aria's narrative we are reading here. Since it is her narrative it is of course the only real narrative.  I do agree transsexualism initially has nothing to do with sexual orientation as she states but since a transsexual identifies with a different gender than their birth gender sexual preference will play a part since by nature humans are a sexual species. 

So while the “effeminate” young boy (pre-homosexual) is expressing himself freely with gender play and his open mannerisms, such things are clearly forbidden to the transsexual child and serve only as a reminder of the horror that awaits them later in life.  As time goes on, dreams are dashed before they were dreamt, and the future descends into a dark cloud of sadness.  The affectations of gender as social play are meaningless to the TS child.  And this is where you can draw clear distinction between the young pre-homosexual and the TS child.
This is a typical Aria generalization presented as fact but I do believe it is a look into who Aria was and unfortunately still is. Every child is different as every life is different as every transsexual child is different as every human is different.  There is no one narrative that fits everyone whether they be normal or transsexual yet Aria wants one narrative because it is her narrative. It is no different than me trying to push my narrative on everyone else as the only narrative.  It would be both myopic and totally wrong as is Aria's. To claim that there is no such thing as an effeminate or feminine transsexual is not different than one claiming the only transsexuals are effeminate or feminine. It is total rubbish and there is absolutely not one iota of factual proof she is correct other than her constant rants about it which begin to sound more like the paranoid musings of someone who has never come to grips with who or what they were or are.

Aria uses the simple fact she internalized her transsexualism probably out of parental fear as her basis for this mantra she and her followers profess to be the only narrative for transsexualism. 

I read with some amusement the writing of people who claim they were just so effeminate that they couldn’t help themselves.  They couldn’t stop themselves from making out with boys when they hit puberty, and the reason they want a sex change (or in some cases already had one supposedly) was because they need to have sex with straight men.  Sorry to inform you, that’s just called being gay.

Aria is really hung up on this issue but again she uses a generalization as fact. I am not sure if this is a shot at me but it could be but believe me I was attracted to boys but the one boy that broke down my wall of fear used a battering ram and any MTF transsexual that likes boy is not gay they are heterosexual but then you are confused about a lot of things.

This begs the question of what did Aria do when she reached puberty? Was she so pure of heart she was asexual and avoided contact with both genders or had she so buried her "femaleness" that she dated and screwed girls to prove her manliness to others which I must assume is part of the mantra or did she just masturbate in a dress but wait a second if I remember correctly she didn't ever cross-dress or feel like a girl after she managed to push it deep into the nether reaches of her mind.

There is a clear difference between the super-chiasmic nucleus of gay men and transsexual women.

There is a clear difference between the INAH-3 area of gay men and transsexual women.

There is a clear different between the BSTc of gay men, and transsexual women.
So how is this relevant for someone that happened to be what you described as a feminine/effeminate transsexual?? Do you have proof in here that the Type VI Benjamin transsexual does not fit as part of the transsexual women?  Of course you do not. There is no correlation between your claim and the results of these relatively limited studies but I guess if you scream it loud enough the fools that believe in you will fall into line and genuflect but simply posting it does not make it true. In my opinion you are full of shit on this subject like you have been since day one.  You have your myopic beliefs and everything has to fit into that world.

Thinking back to the lives of children, what would you expect from a little girl once she realizes something is very wrong?  Would you expect her to go blithely about her life, knowing that she is horribly deformed, with no ill effect whatsoever?  Knowing that everyone has labeled her wrong, would she then stupidly proceed to act out “effeminately” and chase boys as if nothing is wrong?  Of course not.  It’s the basic definition of the condition itself.  And that lack of self-knowledge would be a sign of delusion, not transsexualism.

I actually would expect every child to react differently based on their environment, parents, and how intense the need to be a girl is or became over time. I am not sure where the chase boys part comes in because honestly I have never known a young transsexual that ever chased boys and I have certainly known many more intense child transsexuals than you have.  This includes children that were both effeminate, feminine, and neither but all were intensely transsexual as children.  Not a single one of them ever "chased" boys and I would suggest you check whose narratives you listen to but then generalization and using your own perceived stereotypes is what you are best at.

Transsexualism is not defined by sexual orientation no matter what some people would have you believe.  When someone tries to make you feel “less than” because of who you love, treat that person as you would any random stranger started talking down to you because of your sexuality.  Don’t give self-appointed trans “experts”, whom you don’t even know past the internet persona, the power to make you feel insecure about yourself simply because you don’t fit some ancient scale that has been misapplied in the first place.

I totally agree with this paragraph and would like to ask you why anyone should believe you since you are the very "trans  expert" you decry in this paragraph. Oh let me guess you are the one trans expert everyone can believe. Transsexualism by itself is not defined by sexual orientation but when humans reach puberty they do have a sexual awakening sometime in the time-frame after puberty begins. I gather we can all put you in the I was not interested in boys column which is fine because if you liked girls that is fine or even if you liked both.  By the way how old were you when you actually realized you needed to get off your ass and do something? Were you 25, 35, or older?

We should never use some ancient scale that Aria does not believe in because Aria has a better scale and it is the Aria scale which she conveniently fits so comfortably in and also allows her to deny access to her "privileged" and 'elitist" world of the Aria transsexual because after all Aria is a "true" and "primary" transsexual. Replace transsexual with asshole and you are closer to the truth.

There are transsexual men, and transsexual women.  There are transsexual gay men, and transsexual lesbian women.  There are transsexual men and women who are bisexual.  Being gay, or lesbian, or bisexual is not a pathology, and neither is it diagnostic of TS.  Sexuality has no bearing on TS whatsoever.

Being transsexual is clearly a gender condition and I agree is somehow related to a rewired brain that makes one female. The real question I have here is why are you using the term "transsexual women" etc. because I clearly remember you taking apart someone on your blog Aria that used that term. I guess it is OK if Aria uses it because well Aria is the Queen of Hysteria about the attempt to destroy her life as a transsexual woman or was it a woman? You switch terms and wordage so often I do find it interesting you cannot keep a consistent choice of words. Sexual preference is as much a part of being a human as the perception of one's gender. They are interwoven because once puberty is reached we do change. The majority of girls like boys with a small minority liking girls and most boys like girls with a small minority liking boys.

It is who we are as a species and you may want to deny it but it is a simple fact of life and transsexuals are absolutely NOT immune to it. It is totally illogical to believe that someone who is wired as a girl would not have similar feelings for boys regardless of whether they are effeminate boys or macho pseudo alpha male athletes. You are who you think you are in your brain but you seem to want it only on your terms.  I am betting you liked girls and are embarrassed by it but you should not be but then I am guessing because other than your paranoia nobody has a clue if you are really transsexual or still in transition or even possibly post.  We have only your word for it and after all you did tell us not to listen to anyone you are not sure is or was born transsexual.  Your words not mine.

There is only one kind of TS.  It is a birth condition that has specific characteristics.  It is not defined by sexuality, but by the sexually dimorphic brain.  Reject attempts to categorize you by your orientation.  Don’t let these people split us up.  They have succeeded at the divide and conquer strategy far too long.

I agree with this paragraph so why are you trying to categorize some kids as gay, pre-homosexual, and all the other bullshit you put out there? Split up who exactly Aria. You are the one providing the categorization and demanding that everyone fits under the umbrella you define as transsexual. Whether one is a heterosexual or homosexual transsexual is not relevant after puberty but it is part of who people are as much as it is after surgery.

I do have questions for you but I know they will never be answered.

  1. How old were you when you realized you were transsexual or had gender discomfort?
  2. How old were you when you realized you needed to get off your ass and do something?
  3. How old were you when you transitioned?
  4. Have you had surgery and if so how many years post-op are you?
  5. Why are you so obsessed with young transsexuals and why do you feel you must discredit their existence if they were feminine or effeminate?

I do need to say something about a comment on this post on Aria's blog.

lisalee18wheeler says:
My two cents, and I know it’s going to be unpopular, is that all these first gen transitioners are leaving something out, or distorting the truth entirely. And as nice a man as Harry Benjamin was, he was far from being a humanitarian.
Take the red pill… :-)

She has a blog called The View from Nine feet up  and drives a truck which is kind of cool.  She provides a nice picture of herself in front of a beautiful Freightliner  tractor on the bottom of the above link.

 It is quite obvious lisalee does not understand what a Humanitarian is:

Definition of HUMANITARIAN

: a person promoting human welfare and social reform :

By its very definition Dr. Benjamin was a humanitarian. I do realize this was a shot at me so Aria will post another "good girl" on your vapid blog but sorry I don't turn the other cheek. I do find this post hilarious considering we know absolutely NOTHING about your fearless leader Aria. Who is this mystery person? I would say I doubt she is even transsexual but I do remember Anonymous T Girl posting something about going out with her on a date with her boyfriend and Aria's boyfriend so I give her the benefit there. But we still know nothing about your leader other than she is paranoid.

Dr. Spack at Children's in Boston is treating many kids like I was but like I have said before being an effeminate boy does not make one transsexual in the same way that being an effeminate boy transsexual does not make the boy not transsexual and gay.

I would have to enshrine Aria as the Queen of the Fellowship of the Miserable because I have never read anyone so upset with everyone and so paranoid about things there is no proof of. Please provide me with proof the Medical establishment is trying to replace transsexuals with gay anything.

The definition of Paranoia taken from Wikipedia:

Paranoia is a thought process heavily influenced by anxiety or fear, often to the point of irrationality and/or delusion. Paranoid thinking typically includes persecutory beliefs concerning a perceived threat towards oneself. Historically, this characterization was used to describe any delusional state.
I think that definition accurately describes Aria.

Every single one of us born transsexual is an individual.  Any attempt to jam us all under one single definition for transsexual is wrong. Transsexuals are as diverse as people not born transsexual. By definition that means if we identify as female the spectrum of sexual preferences would be similar to genetic women. Nobody is any less or more transsexual because I do agree you either are or you are not but at the point that realization occurs the natural divergence we humans experience in our lives takes over.  In other words life is random and arbitrary and trying to push a set of rules defined by some lay person like Aria on others is such bullshit she should provide wading boots at times.

Are there crazy people on the fringes?  There certainly are and Aria is one of them. She is trying to force her paranoid delusions on others because in her mind she is persecuted because she believes everyone is after her and she is correct and everyone else is wrong.  If only life was that simple for all of us!!


Sunday, November 28, 2010

Fellowship of the Miserable

I am a native of the Boston area of Massachusetts and I enjoy some sports but we have a funny saying about sports fans in Boston.  They are never happy unless they are actually miserable because if they are happy they cannot complain and complaining is more fun than being happy. A famous or infamous basketball coach said Boston fans are "the fellowship of the Miserable" and in many ways it fits. There are more than a few that belong in the transsexual/transgender fellowship of the miserable and the person whose name shall not be spoken is one of them.

I just had a great Thanksgiving with family and I get home on Friday and I find myself being accosted on another blog and rather than do the smart thing which is don't poke the "psychotic animal" I am afraid I find it impossible to not say something because the individual is just a liar. It is my problem I guess but I let it go the first time but not this time.  The individual likes to make grandiose accusations and when she is called on them she does exactly what happened this time which is attempt to claim someone is bullying her which is not true or threaten someone with legal action or make even more outrageous claims. That was why I attempted the previous post which I doubt will have any results other than making me feel better because everything I said is out there so make your own judgment. Monster and bully?? I think not.

I express my own personal opinions on this blog and occasionally tell about events from my life but these are my opinions and my stories. I will take on another blogger if I think they have crossed a line and I fully expect someone to take me on if I cross a line but I crossed no such line during this silly incident with the person whose name shall not be spoken  and anyone that thinks my initial posts on Mikki or the Gay Transsexual crossed a line is welcome to not read this blog but you are not welcome to make up accusations of me bullying people or being a monster.

I have not attempted nor would I ever attempt to bully anyone and I defy anyone to find one line in any blog posting that I have made that even hints at being a bully. Having strong opinions on a subject is not being a bully. I respect people have strong opinions because diversity in argument is good.  I claim to represent only my opinions and I belong to neither the TS nor TG camp. I am my own person.

I have responded to personal insults with what I perceive as appropriate measures and if people do not want me going after them then please do not insult me personally.  Argue the post and you can tell me my opinion is bat-shit off the wall and that is cool.  Call me a Monster because your psychotropic medication ran out or you over-medicated yourself and ducking will be in order.

I am firmly convinced people like this belong to the fellowship of the miserable within the transsexual community. I have had a wonderfully normal life with lots of ups and downs but believe me happiness trumps sadness ten-fold and I have not a single regret in my life since my surgery. I could spend a week telling you why someone that would identify themselves as NoBody  needs serious mental help and I basically dislike psychiatrists.

I am a great believer that your actions can speak as loudly as your words. Well she deleted every post she had made on my blog and they were many.  For what reason would anyone spend that much time deleting posts she made unless she was embarrassed or having mental issues.

I may have to rescind my policy regarding moderation of posts which I am disturbed about but I do not want to deal with this lunatic.  If she starts in I may have to do it but the only comments that will not be posted will be hers. For the time being it will remain as it is and if she makes relevant comments without resorting to her insanity then I have no problem. I will delete her rants because I have no interest in responding because poking the psychotic animals isn't as much fun as  I thought.

The only post on this blog that has ever referenced her was the previous one and this one and it is the last time I am dealing with her. I don't want to be her friend and hopefully it ends but if it doesn't I would hope that anyone else where she posts her rants would delete any comments about me because I just don't want to be tempted to poke the psychotic animal.