Why?

I have a comments on my two guest posts by a dear friend who in many ways is a reason I exist today. I have been asked why I posted the first two parts of "Notes from a Different perspective. The answer is both complicated yet in many ways simple.  The easy answer is I was asked to by someone I deeply care for but the real reason is complicated.

When I was in the clutches of the medical insanity of a certain mental institution and was forced to undergo aversion therapy I might not have made some things clear enough so I will now. I lost a lot of my childhood memories but not all. I remembered events but had no recollection of how or exactly when they physically took place. Some of those memories were never recovered but many came back over time.  I will not go into details because that part is quite painful sometimes but Mary was both an independent viewer of my early childhood and then a key part of my teenage years against her will at first.

I have read everything she has written and memories have been nudged into consciousness and some are good and many are bad but above all I now know how much that boy really cared about me which means a lot to me personally. I also found it both disturbing yet enlightening how this boy's mother went from questioning my existence to actually helping me which she certainly did not have to do.  She could have turned her back and taken measures to break up what she realized early on was happening. Ironically she realized before I did that her son liked me as a girl. I was too blinded by both fear and anger to allow anyone inside my firewall that I had built around myself.

I admit I was attracted to him but what girl my age would not be attracted to a star athlete? Of course my problem was anatomically I was not a girl even if I felt I already was a girl. I feared boys despite being attracted to them.  I hated girls because they had what I wanted far more than I wanted my life.

It was not me that told the kids in my school I wanted to be a girl it was that boy. It was not me that told the kids in my school I was transsexual.  It was that boy. It was my mother with a gigantic help from his mother and her family that got me to Harry Benjamin. It was his mother that convinced my mother that the "cure" she wanted might be at hand but not in the way she wanted.

Life is very complicated for all of us. It is incredibly complex for child transsexuals that are too intense to be subjugated by what society expects of them. For us then and for those today help is what we needed then and what they need today. I think it is kind of amazing my help came from a woman whose son cared for me.  I think it is even more amazing that she overcame her own prejudices towards a child like me and instead of forcing her son to move away from me she let her son make the decision. I absolutely never knew any of this and if anything makes me cherish the time we had together even more deeply.

Mary is my closest friend in the world and I know because of her advanced age that friendship has limits. We have spent a lot of time talking over the time I have been in this area and I admit I was initially reticent to even read what she pulled from her diaries but I did and I am glad I did. I actually learned a lot about people and it made it clearer to me that kids like us may face big hurdles in life but one of them is not acceptance if people know the truth. There will always be those that hate anything like this, even in kids, but most people will accept and understand children.  I have seen this in the kids we have helped over the years.

Of course these posts are very personal and in many ways describe the painful times in my early childhood through my early teens but they also opened my eyes to the issues I caused my own family and Mary's family. My younger brother and I had grown apart after our mother passed and it dawned on me my two brothers spent a lot of their own childhood keeping me alive as I tried to end my life. I reconciled with my brother because I called and just told him I was sorry for what I put him through and I am. I thanked him for saving me from me and we reunited.

Those are not my memories in those posts. I have always felt I closed the book on my childhood when i attended my tenth high school reunion where I intended to get even for the pain I suffered only to learn how confused they were by me and how sorry they were for some of the things that happened.  When a grown man stands in front of you in tears and apologizes for what he did it has a lasting result. When a woman tells you if you had let the wall down we could have been friends it gives you reason to think about certain things. In truth it helped me forgive them but one thing you have to learn to do is forgive yourself. I don't think I ever really did even if I have led a productive and enjoyable life.

I have told close friends, some online, that I have always felt guilt over Kevin dying in Vietnam. I felt I should have done something. What I could have done is unclear. Mary came back in my life a while back and I am grateful for that. She met my second husband and her first comment was, "He reminds me of Kevin", which struck me as odd until I thought about it. I always did like boys in uniforms.

In many ways life has come full circle. My life began to have meaning because of this woman's kindness and her sharing of this information gives insight into my life and why I got involved helping kids like me. Subconsciously it probably relates to what this very kind parent of a boy did for me nearly 53 years ago when there was no rational reason to help me. The smart thing would have been to avoid me.

She helped me realize what happened was  just how it was intended to be because without the events of my childhood I would not have been driven to be who I really was nor would I have been so driven as an adult.  Much of what Mary wrote was intensely personal to her and in many ways harder because the end came with the death of a young man in Southeast Asia which altered both of our lives.

A lot of what I have written on my blog is personal and intense because that was how it was. Mary was a second set of eyes that followed my life until I was 17 1/2 when both our lives were ripped apart. My mother was very limited in how she could help me and she did the best she could but Mary gave me some help in at least having some clue what it was "really" like to be a girl in the times I spent up North with her.  Even when Kevin could not make it she dragged me away so I could get some comfort as me and she hugged me when I cried my heart out because I had to back to Massachusetts and be 1/2 the girl I wanted to be.

When I asked her why she wanted me to post this she said it might help someone to understand that the child you are looking at that appears so weird and unusual could just as easily be yours and putting a hand out and trying to help is not the worst thing an adult can do for a child and for kids like me it might be life saving.

Now if anyone needs to ask why or how I could put this in a blog I suggest you read everything I have posted and get a perspective or simply do not read this blog at all and do not comment.  Blogs are in many ways personal and mine can be intensely personal and I have a tendency to get away from that when faced with issues that tick me off and maybe it has taken away from my blog sometimes but opinions aside if being born transsexual is not both personal and intense and you blog and are not willing to show how personal and intense it is then it begs a major question.  Why blog?

Notes from a Different Perspective Part Two.

More from Mary.

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Saturday May 9, 1959

First time I have seen his tutor since that horrible day. He looks fine and is even sadder if it is possible. I think he recognizes me from the hospital but I am not sure. Kevin seemed to dote on her. Weird! Very weird! If am I honest with myself this is very hard to deal with. We try to be understanding but how understanding does one have to be to accept this? What kind of a mistake brought this child into this world? He seems so totally lost.

Thursday June 11, 1959 (P)

We needed a weekend to ourselves. My husband has been stressed beyond belief and I have been a ticking emotional bomb. We are going to the Cape for a long weekend and leaving Kevin alone against my better judgment. He said he has a big test on Friday and what boy wants to be with his parents on a hopefully romantic getaway for us. Guess that answers the question.

Sunday June 14, 1959 (P)

Disaster or it would appear so.  We got home late Sunday afternoon and Kevin was waiting for us and I am not sure how to put this in a diary. Details are too weird to write down but yesterday Kevin and his tutor took the step any parent would be worried about. My head is whirling and my poor husband is sitting there with a stunned look and I guess I am also. I think female pronouns are appropriate from now on. Probably just to keep my sanity.

Kevin kissed his tutor under rather unusual circumstances and she had just fallen apart and opened up to my son like he was her father confessor. She had done something for them pretending to be a girl and I gather she pretended quite well because Kevin has fallen for her, not that he probably already had not. Something about she is a girl, heard that from her mom, and wants to be a girl, very weird, and would rather be dead than have to live her life as a boy. Pretty deep stuff for a just turned 17 year old and god she is not even 14. First time I have seen my husband cry in years.

I told him one kiss was not a big deal and Kevin said it was not one kiss and I had visions of ugly things but they only made out when they got back to our house which somehow doesn’t seem as bad when I consider the ugly thoughts I had.

God, what are we going to do?

Monday June 15, 1959 (P)

Martha called around 8 PM and said we needed to talk. What an understatement that is! We arranged to meet on Wednesday.

Tuesday June 16, 1959 (P)

Shortly after school was out Kevin’s tutor came looking for Kevin. Kevin was doing an errand and I told her to go to the Study and wait.  I think she could sense the edginess in my voice because I was not friendly to her. There was an ugly bruise on one of her arms and she had been crying. God I have never seen a child so sad. I had to leave for work before Kevin made it home but I thought I heard her crying in the Study.  This is really sad and I cannot believe it but I feel guilty for being so curt with her. I so want to say him.

Wednesday June 17, 1959 (P)

We met with Martha and she was quite distraught. We had seen the photo in the paper on Monday and she handed us an old photo of herself and her son looks exactly like her and that was what had been bothering me. I recognized the child but I didn’t recognize the child as the spitting image of my best friend in High School.  I just could not make that connection. Martha was the prettiest girl in school, cheerleader,  Homecoming Queen and all that kind of stuff. They could be twins.

Martha told us she was writing to a doctor in NYC named Benjamin and he called her a transsexual. Wasn’t that what Jorgensen was? Did not know this was something that could happen to a child.  It is beginning to make some sense now.

Martha wants her son cured but what kind of a life can a boy have when they look so convincingly female? Would it change with puberty and testosterone?

Martha asked what was going on or if anything was going on between Kevin and her son. I suggested for decency sake we should consider the child a girl for now.  That was not an easy decision.

She had told Martha over a year ago she was attracted to boys.  I guess it fits if she is a girl. It is very confusing for all of us. I told her what we knew and she did not seem surprised.

The term awkward does not do justice to what just happened. 

Wednesday July 1, 1959 (P)

Kevin has been very quiet. His tutor is off on a vacation with her two brothers and Martha in Europe and Kevin misses her. We are just going to have to deal with it somehow. I keep forgetting she is not even 14. It has been a rather miserable summer vacation in Quebec. Kevin is moping around and his father and I are in a state of shock. Our son likes a girl that is not a girl. God help us all!

Sunday August 2, 1959 (P)

Kevin seemed more upbeat and happier this last week or so and I know why. Martha called after they arrived home yesterday and she said we needed to talk this week. I asked how the vacation went and the only word she emphasized was “enlightening”. We arranged to meet Wednesday evening.

Monday August 3, 1959 (P)

Kevin borrowed my husband’s Corvette without permission and a friend told me he witnessed Kevin and a pretty blond girl heading south on Route 3A near the shipyard.  That darn car is my husband’s pride and joy. I think he washes the car 3 times a week in the summer. I was not home when Kevin got home but his father was and happy is not how I would describe him. 

What is happening to our son?

What did they do together?

Wednesday August 5, 1959 (P)

What a surprise we had meeting with Martha. She brought her to the meeting. The difference in this child from our last interaction and today is striking. Even the waitress assumed she was Martha’s daughter. She is strikingly beautiful up close and weirdly I do not believe she has a clue she is. 

What a sweet girl was my immediate perception. In a weird way the sort of male cloths she wears make her look more feminine if that is possible. Talking to her is a one way street. I talk and she says nothing unless Martha encourages her.  I think she is afraid of me.

She is just so delicate and feminine. How can this be? I tried to get information on transsexual at the local Library and asked several doctors and nobody had a clue. It is obvious this is just not a boy or certainly a different kind of boy. 

Kevin Sr. shocked me when he whispered she seems so sad I feel like I want to just hold her and tell her everything will be okay. God I think she sort of seduced my husband. Yikes!

I fear nothing okay will come out of this.

Friday August 7, 1959 (P)

What a shock today. Kevin sat down with me and told me some in depth details about how confused and hurting his tutor was. She told him she was not growing up to be a man and would make sure of that. She had told him there was no help for someone like her and she would never be what she was not. The poor child does not know she is transsexual while her mother does. Maybe Martha does not believe it?

I called Martha and asked why she had not told her son about Dr. Benjamin and that she was transsexual and I realized Martha was trying or hoping to cure her “son”. She then drops the bombshell that her son has basically the same testosterone levels as a girl her age and now it makes some sense. I could not get an answer why she had not told her.

We are all so afraid of the unknown. I should heed this advice myself.

Saturday August 14, 1959 (P)

Martha came to our home and we had a long talk. Poor woman was in tears most of the time. She thanked us for not hurting her daughter. Yes, she said daughter. Shocking in a way but not shocking in other ways.

She told us her daughter was seeing another Psychiatrist but regardless of what he said she wanted to arrange a meeting with this Dr. Benjamin in NYC but it was really impossible with the situation in her home. Martha’s mother is a piece of work. Remind me to never get on her bad side.

We offered to help if we could.  I hope that is not something foolish.

Sunday October 4, 1959 (P)

First time I have seen Kevin’s tutor in a while and she is even more beautiful if possible. Kevin lights up whenever I see them together. If possible she seems to be even sadder. The only time she seems to smile is when Kevin is talking with her.

Whatever happens will happen I guess. I feel like there is a bomb in my house and when it goes off my family will be destroyed. I wish I never asked the school for a tutor.

A strange thing happened when she left today. She turned to me and said she could never hurt Kevin and ran out the door. There were tears in her eyes and it was the first time she has looked directly at me. I think she knows how concerned we are for Kevin. I sometimes wonder who is concerned for her!

Thursday November 12, 1959 (P)

I received a strange call from Martha today. Seems the latest Psychiatrist had said some hurtful things to her daughter and she wanted us to tell Kevin to keep an eye on her.

What have we gotten ourselves into? Martha is worried about another suicide attempt. Not sure I want Kevin around this if it happens.

Friday November 27, 1959 (P)

It was just a nightmarish Thanksgiving yesterday. I was so exhausted when the day was over I fell asleep on the couch with Kevin crying his heart out.

I am not sure what happened but from what Kevin said relatives had said some ugly things to Liz (Kevin calls her that now) and she had run away in the afternoon and everyone knew she was going to try to kill herself.

That child is so desperate it breaks your heart. It was a big media event because of who the family is.

Kevin found her trying to throw herself into the outbound tide at Black’s Creek near the bridge which was a certain death sentence. Kevin stopped her and drove her home and got into a fight with someone.

The poor boy cannot understand why she does not want to live. How do you explain this to a 17 year old?

It got even worse.  Martha called me and told me her daughter was rushed to the hospital this morning and is very sick. By the time I got to hospital she was in Intensive Care with double pneumonia with complications caused by asthma so she is on a mechanical ventilator which is an ominous sign.

Kevin insisted on coming with me and his red eyes were a tell tale sign of his emotional state. 

Monday November 30, 1959 

Things are quite ominous. One Doctor told me she does not seem to have the will to live which I always thought was a silly concept but I am not so sure any longer.

She actually went into cardiac arrest late today and was revived. I had a priest friend give her the last rites. I swear to god if she survives I will do anything to help her.

Wednesday December 2, 1959 

She seems to be slightly better but has not woken since being admitted. Among the staff she has become “the boy that should be a girl” which is beyond weird to hear but just so true. She is the talk of the entire staff. 

Friday December 4, 1959 (P)

Was talking with my brother Henri in Montreal and I mentioned the child and to my shock Henri said Maurice my oldest brother knew Dr. Benjamin quite well. I asked why and Henri said because as Physicians it interested both of them because of a paper they had read by Benjamin. Maurice had reached out to Benjamin and had visited him in NYC. Okay now it is really getting weird!

We had a very long talk and I finally understand what a transsexual is or at least I might have a clue. 

Her older brother Ray has not left her side when he is allowed to get near her. There is a very special bond there. He might be the most aware one in the family.

Saturday December 6, 1959 (P)

She is over the worst and has been moved out of Intensive Care. I tried visiting her but she will not talk with me. She seems even sadder if that is possible.

A Nurse friend said Kevin visited her and she perked up a little. I lied and told her Kevin was visiting his tutor but by the look they know it might be more than that. Now that is just wonderful!

Tuesday December 7, 1959 (P)

I had my own Pearl Harbor today. Another nurse asked why Kevin visited her every single day. I told her it was because she was his tutor but I could tell she knew it was not just that. Well I guess it is out there now. I kept getting these stiff smiles from all the staff.

It seems Kevin was, after her mom and brother Ray, the only one she was talking to. 

Thursday December 9, 1959 (P)

Talked with Maurice for an hour and explained everything. I then asked if there was any way he could help this child. I told him the mother had been writing to Benjamin. Maurice said he could arrange a meeting in Canada after learning of the family situation. The grandmother from hell needs to be kept in the dark. The kind of political power that woman carries around this area is very scary.

Saturday December 11, 1959

The child is recovering rapidly and should be out of hospital shortly. A nurse said she perks up immediately when your son shows up. Gee, thanks for that tidbit.

Sunday December 12, 1959 (P)

After Mass Kevin asked to talk with us about her. I kind of expected what was said.

He told us he thought he really liked her like a boy likes a girl. Look kids have no clue about love but I believed him for some obvious reasons. It was totally obvious it was true. Scary thought but maybe it is sympathy love. God, I hope so. I just used the "love" word. and in this scenario what good can possibly come from this kind of love?

Monday December 13, 1959 (P)

She was released today and I have never seen Kevin this happy. 

I called Martha and we met that evening and we decided together we needed her daughter to meet Benjamin or she would be lost eventually. I called Maurice and asked him to see if he could arrange something for the Xmas vacation that began December 23.

I told Martha I think Kevin is in love with her and she said if you had seen her in Europe you would realize boys like her and she likes boys. Okay, that was weird was my thought. What did she do in Europe?

Wednesday December 15, 1959 (P)

Maurice called and said he could arrange a meeting with Benjamin on December 27 if it was alright with the parent. Benjamin would fly into Montreal on the 27^th and we would meet at the Ski Lodge that evening.

Martha was okay with that but said she could not possibly take the time off from work because of missed time because of the child’s illnesses. I volunteered and Kevin Sr. agreed we would just take her with us on our Xmas vacation skiing if she could get the Doctors to say it was okay.

The real question is how the child will handle all of this.

To be continued ....

Notes From a Different Perspective Part One

I have always believed I was very fortunate to have some family support which is the reason I survived way back when. I was also lucky that a boy saw through the fortress I had built around me and maybe as important his mother, who is a close friend even today. She lives in the Charlotte North Carolina area and we see each other quite a lot.  I owe her a lot but she does not see it that way which is why she is so special.

Mary was an Emergency Room Nurse in Massachusetts at the major Hospital where I was taken after suicide attempts, beatings, and other nastiness. She first met me or treated me when I was around 8 years old which I must admit fascinated me because she knew me before I met her son Kevin.

Earlier this year we were talking about her career as a Nurse and she told me one of her requirements was to keep a log or more accurately a personal diary of what happened in the Emergency Room. She told me it was a hospital process that helped the Nurse look back on what had happened analytically to improve Emergency Room care.  She also told me she had kept a diary since her childhood and had kept one until the day Kevin was reported KIA in Southeast Asia. I guess she was broken by that like all of us were.

She asked if it would be okay if she sent me a copy of something she had written on her computer in Microsoft Word and I agreed not thinking much about it. She then added please do not be offended by what was written. I found that comment odd until I received her document.

She titled it "Girl at First Sight" which I thought interesting and she had pulled her notes from her diaries and in chronological order listed the key dates in her life when I interrupted it in one way or another.  There are notes from both the Emergency Room and her personal home life and I guess it gives an insight into the issues kids like me can cause in the lives of others not belonging to your family.

I will admit I find it disturbing and honestly do not remember some of the incidents she describes in the Emergency Room. Her personal comments are both disturbing and enlightening because I never ever thought what issues I had to have caused her family.  I had always thought my time with Kevin began in June 1959 but he obviously saw something a lot earlier than I realized.


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I was an Emergency Room Nurse at a major Hospital in Massachusetts.  Trauma was something I was accustomed to and death was something you became immune to because getting involved emotionally was not wise for Doctor or Nurse in an Emergency Room.  We had the mundane mainly but some of the horror is beyond horrible.

I am not sure of the actual first time this child was in the Emergency Room but the first time I saw her was in March of 1954. The words are different because I used a shorthand note taking process and I have added my own thoughts to what I remember. When the notes come from my personal diary I will add (P).

My life and the life of my family were about to change and initially not for the better.

I did take out her real first name which ironically when shortened to a nickname can be a girl name.

Wednesday, March 17, 1954

We received a call for an overdose case and they were bringing the patient in. It was a child and the child had downed a lot of sedatives. The one thing that is difficult to deal with for any Medical Professional is children.  We will tell you that we do not feel any different but as a mother I am sorry but I felt for the children.

My initial thought was why in the name of god is a child attempting suicide? When the Ambulance arrived they wheeled this beautiful little girl in with an obviously distraught family and I was not the primary Nurse for this child. It is weird but when we get kids everyone seems to take a look when the child is wheeled in.

I was dealing with a rather nasty automobile accident. It was hectic and I thought I recognized one of family members but amidst chaos there is little time for a reunion. We were in the process of losing a foolish young man from a drag racing accident and it was messy.

Personal note:

Emergency rooms are busy even in the calmest of times and I heard the child had attempted suicide again and had been treated and released which seemed odd because a young girl should not be attempting suicide. In order to have a more stable home life I moved from the Emergency Room and went to work in patient recovery. We try to become adept at putting thoughts of patients out of our minds for obvious reasons but I never could and Emergency Room medicine is hectic and exciting when your Hospital is the only Critical Care Emergency Room locally. We received all the bad cases and I loved it.

I was bored silly and in late 1957 went back to the Emergency Room as a confirmed junky of the excitement and variety of cases. It was less than a week later that I had my second encounter with that young girl I had witnessed arrive as a suicide attempt only this time someone had beaten her almost senseless.

Friday, November 15, 1957

The Police arrived with her and it was odd.  They seemed so blasé about the entire incident despite how hysterical the child was. She was not quite 12 and had several broken ribs and bruises everywhere and had been obviously kicked savagely based on the extent of the bruising and the shape and angle of the bruise marks.  She had taken a very savage beating. We stabilized her quickly and while she was being X-rayed I walked over to one of Police Officers and asked why they were not upset and got the shock of my life. The officers said “boys will be boys” and “he asked for it being the way he was” and I was speechless. There was no way that was a boy was my immediate comment. One officer made a sarcastic slur that I refuse to include here.

When she or was it he came back from X-ray she/he was still crying and asking for her mother. I found it impossible to look at the child and think “boy” but there on the chart it said “M” and I was dumbfounded.  The mother was in route from Boston according to another nurse and it was a very chaotic Friday afternoon and I was on another case in a matter of minutes. My dissociative mindset put the previous case out of my mind so I could concentrate on a new emergency.

Misc Notes. (P)

Occasionally I would hear that “the” child had been back in Emergency but life went on. My youngest son Kevin was quite the athlete and in 1958 was a sophomore in High School and as a QB had led his High School to a very successful season and we were so proud of him. He had little interest in schoolwork and that was a problem so as he started his junior year the school assigned him a tutor, at our request, and this is where all of our lives changed forever.

My husband and I had encouraged our children to come to us if they had any issues and we would discuss them together and no issue was out of bounds including sex and girl/boy stuff as Kevin said. Kevin had a “steady” girlfriend who I was not particularly fond of but Kevin seemed to like her so it was what it was. 

Kevin said his tutor was the boy they had started the entire advanced curriculum for in the high school. Kevin then said he had never met anyone so timid as his tutor or so weird and confusing but I missed that part initially. Kevin’s grades improved dramatically and as parents we were pleased and after the football season Kevin said the tutor recommended a Saturday session and it was arranged.

Saturday, November 29, 1958 (P)

The door bell rang and this very pretty young girl was standing there and she was Kevin’s tutor, according to her, and I asked her to wait in the entryway as I called Kevin from the Study.  When Kevin walked by I quietly asked him why he had told me his tutor was a boy when in fact it was this beautiful young girl.  Kevin stopped and said something very problematic.

“That is a boy mom and it is very confusing because … She is not a boy.”

Well, I was kind of confused also and very startled to hear Kevin use a female pronoun. When I took his coat to hang it up his body was willowy like a prepubescent girl but I could see the narrow waist and the wider hips and my first thought was this should not or could not be. His voice was like a little girl and he had very long hair for a boy of late 1958 and when he shook my hand it was so soft and feminine I have to admit I found it disconcerting. I would guess he was 5-7 to 5-8, around 115 lbs and indescribably beautiful for a “boy”. He so obviously looked like a girl but he was not a girl. No wonder Kevin seemed so confused.

The way Kevin looked at him as he walked into the study was not how a boy looked at another boy and we needed to have a talk. The boy looked ashamed, very timid, and so incredibly shy. The door closed loudly and he was startled.  I cannot imagine what this child went through every day and I suddenly realized this had to be the boy from the Emergency Room. He was exceedingly polite and every time he looked at Kevin he turned away quickly.

I found it hard to use a male pronoun and I wondered if he was maybe a hermaphrodite.  I have never in my life seen a boy this feminine and that depressingly sad.  There was an almost eternal sadness in his every movement. His eyes were just so sad and it is hard to explain but they seemed like a window into some kind of internal agony. He was literally scary beautiful for a boy. I had this weird thought that with makeup he would be model beautiful which I pushed aside very quickly.

After the tutor left I told Kevin we needed to talk. How do you talk to your son about a boy that looks more beautiful than most girls? Carefully I guess.

Kevin was very distressed. Kevin said people hurt her all the time and told me point blank he found it impossible not to consider her a girl.  Kevin then said she shows up to school with bruises and contusions and will not tell him what happened. I get this feeling he wants to protect him which I find distressing. The first talk did not go well and this cannot end well. I need to get his dad involved.  Is my son possibly gay?

Thursday December 4, 1958

Oh my god. Kevin’s tutor was rushed into the hospital this afternoon with some horrible injuries. I was on another case but everyone seemed stressed by it and there were multiple fractures and contusions everywhere and the child was just asking for his mother. This is not good. Asked several of the police officers, when I had time, what happened and they said he fell down granite steps of high school but I don’t believe it for one second. One of his arms was obviously broken when he was wheeled in.

Monday December 8, 1958 (P)

Kevin appeared very distressed at dinner and when questioned said someone had hurt his tutor very badly and I had expected this but not the tears and the threat he would kill whoever did this to her. I looked at his dad and they don’t teach you how to handle this as a parent. Kevin appears to care for him a lot. We need to deal with this and sooner rather than later.

My husband and I talked and we decided to sit down with him this weekend.

Saturday December 13, 1958 (P)

The tutor came again this morning and watching him with the tutor is eerie. Kevin is treating him like a girl.  Pulled out his chair and is obviously concerned about his welfare. He has to be in a lot of pain because a broken collarbone really hurts and his fractured arm is in a cast. I cannot believe he came to tutor Kevin like that. Shit, I wonder if he likes Kevin. We need to stop this now!

Sunday December 14, 1958 (P)

The sit down with Kevin was a disaster. Kevin was upset we thought he liked a boy but he insisted she is a girl and we had a really bad argument with him. I do not think he realizes his attraction and I do not know how to stop it. His dad is beside himself wondering if his son is gay.

Thursday January 8, 1959

Kevin’s tutor was in Emergency again and this time it was really serious. It was called in as a pediatric resuscitation which meant every nurse and doctor was to stand by to assist because the child was barely breathing. He was very close to death on arrival and an older brother was with him and obviously very distraught claiming “she” had overdosed on sedatives and he had not found her soon enough. A brother using a female pronoun like Kevin was something I never expected.  What appeared to be her grandmother arrived and asked how he was doing and a heated argument took place with her grandson who screamed something about “you might have finally killed her you fucking old cow” which caused a few red faces in Emergency waiting.

Luckily we had a Cardiac specialist in house and we brought him back but it was too close for a 13 year old. We pumped him out and I was surprised how quickly he woke up. His grandmother never went near him but his brother was immediately by his side holding his hand. The child was hysterical because we revived him. Children should never want to commit suicide and I knew this was not the first.

Emergency was very busy and I turned that dissociative mindset on and put him out of my mind or tried to anyway. There was a minor commotion about 30 minutes later and his mother had arrived and I thought I heard the child ask why they just would not let him die and then something about “I am a girl” that garnered my attention but patient care comes first. The voice of her mother did sound familiar.

Saturday January 10, 1959 (P)

Kevin was very quiet and when I asked him why he said his tutor was supposed to be there today but her brother had called and said she was sick and could not make it and he did not believe him. I told Kevin he had tried to commit suicide on Thursday and was barely saved so I doubted he would be around for quite some time.

Kevin was very distraught and I asked did he have feelings for him. Kevin was actually upset and told me to please use female pronouns and that shocked me. Kevin told me, quite emotionally, that he tried to be her friend but she has built this wall around herself and the only time it comes down is when she is tutoring him.  She will not even talk to him in the school corridors and all he wanted to do was be a friend.

I tried a different tact and asked Kevin what he thought of her and made sure to use a female pronoun. Kevin’s response totally shocked me. He basically said she is the nicest and kindest girl he has ever known. How could he say that when he has never seen her as a girl bothered me but if I am honest I realized if I did not know I would say girl instantly. I did not want to push Kevin any farther. He was very distressed.  He will talk to us when he is ready or I hope he will.

Misc notes (P)

We tried to talk with Kevin several times but he refused. He appears to be very confused by this 13 year old whatever. Kevin Sr. is beside himself over this but he has not seen the child. Nothing good can come of this and I asked the school to assign him another tutor and they offered but Kevin refused. Not good at all.

The tutor was here on multiple Saturdays and he is prettier if that is possible. It is girl pretty and not boy pretty and I think he is using mascara.  His eyes are striking. He never and I mean never looks anyone in the eye. The child is terrified it seems and is confused possibly. I kind of feel sorry for him.

Saturday April 18, 1959

We received an Emergency call from an ambulance that they had an attempted male rape victim in serious condition inbound and if it is possible raped boys are worse than raped girls. When the child arrived it was Kevin’s tutor. He arrived with his mother and both were hysterical but the child was crying and begging his mother to please let him die. It sent shock waves through all the Emergency personnel. His mother was my best friend during High School but reunions would have to wait.

There was blood everywhere on the child and he was very badly bruised with obvious signs of trauma around the head, buttocks, and a laceration, that was the blood culprit, that required 30 stitches on his head. I was one of the attending Nurses and it just infuriates anyone seeing a kid like this.

Police were there and I almost lost it when one cop told me he came on to some guy and the man defended himself. I told him I knew the child and he was afraid of his own shadow. It was just a truly horrible scene. I tried to talk with Martha, his mom, but we needed to rush him to X-ray for the head injuries. There was a hairline fractured skull so this child had been beaten with something very formidable. This was one time he was not going home.

Kids with Head Trauma go to the Intensive Care Unit and when I returned to Emergency I found Martha with her two other sons and the older boy said “I am going to kill that motherfucker this time” and Martha tried to calm him down. Martha was in such shock I realized she had not even recognized me and when I got a chance I pulled her aside and we talked.

How do you ask a mother about her son?  Is your son gay? I never got that chance.  Martha simply said, “He has told me I am a girl” almost from the day he could speak and nobody can cure him.  She said she has had him with Psychiatrists and nobody has an answer and she said something about a Physician in New York that had a solution but it was outrageous. I wanted to say he sure does look like a girl but under the circumstances it seemed inappropriate. The older son asked me, “Is she going to be okay?” and I looked at him weirdly and he simply said, “If she is not a girl I have no idea what a girl is”, and walked away giving his mother a very stern look.

I was not expecting this.

Sunday April 19, 1959 (P)

It was a very rough day in Emergency on Saturday.  There were lots of crazy fools and that child.  I got home very late and decided Sunday was when I needed to talk with Kevin. After Mass we came home and we just sat him down in the Living Room and refused to let him avoid the problem we felt possibly existed.

I just bluntly asked Kevin are you attracted to him. Kevin asked me again not to use male pronouns. Kevin said he was very confused about his feelings for her. He said she smells like a girl; she feels soft like a girl; she walks like a girl; she acts like a girl; and she certainly looks and talks like a girl. Then he added, “I want to protect her but she will not let me be her friend and I am worried for her”.

I decided now was the time to tell Kevin what happened yesterday and he stunned me when he said he already knew because her older brother Ray was a friend of his. Oh shit. More complications than I need to hear about and deal with. The brother already considers him a girl.

I just bluntly asked him if he liked “her” the same way he liked other girls and he said he thought he did. Not what a mother and a father wanted to hear their son say about another boy but even I was beginning to question whether he was really a boy and we had both decided we would support our son even if he was gay and we told Kevin that and he simply said he was not gay. I guess that depended on how one looked at his tutor.

to be continued....?