Monday, April 9, 2012

Learning To Let Go of the Past

I was watching a movie this evening. It was called "We Bought A Zoo" with Matt Damon but what the movie is really about is learning to let go or to learn to deal with the aftermath of tragedy in your life.

It has been six years since my husband died and I have had chronic insomnia since.  Funny thing is I had it from the day my first marriage blew up until the day I met my second husband. It really hit me very hard because I have had a very difficult time letting go of him. I have tried but I cannot.  I dated and compared them to him and they failed miserably which was so unfair to them.

It got me thinking about those of us born transsexual and the differences between those of us that have taken advantage of modern medicine and been cured through hormones and SRS. I remember how angry I was as a child because I did not understand why people did not listen to me when I told them I was a girl. The world has a tendency to be black and white when you are a kid. It takes life and the pain and joy it can bring to learn about shades of gray.

Kids look being transsexual in a black and white manner. I am a girl but I guess I am not so just let me be a girl because I am not hurting anyone. I think I uttered those words daily because it seemed simple to me and this was before I ever met Dr. Benjamin. Unfortunately learning I was transsexual, starting hormones and learning about what it meant began to bring shades of gray.

I remember when I started pushing appearance boundaries when I was 10-11. It shocked my poor mother and I learned the cardinal rule of rebellion which is push it over the edge and negotiate back a little.  They will think they are winning because you cut your nails a bit or let you hair be trimmed a bit or stopped dressing too femininely. I learned about gray areas when I came back from Canada the first time. I received an instant lesson in compromise and gray areas when I met Harry. It is just not that easy being transsexual after you learn you are transsexual.

Having a boyfriend makes a kid like me learn quickly about life. When he died in Southeast Asia I did not handle it well and I actually understand why they were worried and put me into a private Hospital. What happened after the Private Hospital panicked and sent me to  the deviant sex wing of a State Facility is what nightmares are made of. I still have the picture of that German in my head to this day and I am convinced I would have killed him if I had the chance then.

It was very hard letting go of that boy. He was the first to accept me and the first to understand me outside of my family. Maybe it was a childhood love but it was more than that for me.

The irony of all this is simple.  The one thing I had no trouble doing was letting go of the fact I was once transsexual. Those of us that have lived a life out of the spotlight are often accused of "forgetting where we came from" and my only response is "why would I want to dwell on it". Just being a girl was enough to make life exceptionally cool. There is something  just so normal in being a mom, raising a daughter, taking her to school and picking her up, attending PTA meetings, and getting divorced young.

The only time anything transsexual came up was when we helped kids. Life was boringly normal and typically American for a woman my age. When the Internet became viable commercially I would venture on and find my way to an irc chat or something like that but leave quickly.  Curiosity killed the cat is an old saying and in my case curiosity made me sick.

I walked away from my past because it allowed me to be the girl I knew I was. I let go of it because being transsexual is a lead weight around your life and being a professional transsexual is not something I would ever consider.  I realize some choose that path and I will not understand why but I can respect the fact it is their personal decision. It is hard enough being a woman in this modern world but being labeled a "transsexual" woman is a burden I personally would not want.

The problem with the Transgender Borg is they demand that everyone must not let go of their past. They are quite comfortable with that because they will always be cross-dressers or transvestites or trans-whatever. They can never let go of the past because their past is both the present and their future and whether they will admit it nor not they want us to just as miserable as they are.

They can let go of nothing because it is what they are.  They are defined by transgender and those of us that are now cured/complete are just simply the correct sex we should have been born and are defined by that and the lives we lead.

I am not sure if I can ever let go of what my first husband did to me. It was both dishonest and hurtful and he has been an ongoing pain in my ass.  I do not truly hate him because he is the biological father of my stepdaughter but despite not being physically abusive he has certainly been verbally abusive, financially devastating while married, and

No transsexual owes a damn thing to the Transgender Borg and in truth that is what they desire.  They want you to never let go of your past so you will feel just as pathetic and miserable as they do and thus support transvestite civil rights. When someone defines what civil rights these men deserve other than those associated with their male brethren then maybe I will listen.


9 comments:

Stephanie said...

When I started reading this post, I thought that maybe, just maybe, it was going to be one where you didn't write a word about 'those evil Transgender Borg'.

Guess it was too much to ask for.

Stephanie

Anonymous said...

This is all so much clearer today than it once was.

In another time (not so distant) I believed being open and 'available' was a benefit to aiding awareness and understanding with the "common" people. These days, after the pink clouds have passed, the light is bright! The reality of how devastating the transgender machine is to those suffering from, and those recently cured from, and those who've been cured of transsexualism is all to obvious.

As someone with whom a history is a story which hasn't yet finished; obscurity in personal life would be welcome. Leaving the past would have been and should have been preferable, but yet, now will never be possible.

No ones fault but mine.

DJ

Anonymous said...

I am sorry for you DJ. Your situation is all too depressingly familiar.

All you can do now is to try and educate others that they might avoid your plight. The TV hordes, as personified in the form of GLAAD, the LGBTg, Liberal Gov't. Funded Organizations like NCET, GLAAD and all those clones of Gay Inc. are constantly muddying the simple truths.

You are but one of thousands politically expedient casualties of this pro gay media campaign of misinformation and obfuscation.

Elizabeth said...

@Stephanie

Sorry about that but it is what it is. Nobody forces you to read it.

Stephanie said...

No you, don't force me to read it. But do you only want readers that agree with every word you say? It's a small group now.

I would suggest that instead of beating the dead horse of the transgender borg, your years of being transsexual would be useful to the younger transsexuals of this world. Educate without criticizing.

Just a thought....

Stephanie

Anonymous said...

I wonder if it might have occurred to Stephanie that this blog is not aimed at cross dressers, demanding to be accepted as women with penises?

The message is short and sweet to those that know: Do what you must and do it quickly and quietly.

Stephanie said...

@Anon:

My penis does not define me. In fact, it has only served as a urine outlet for over 20yrs. Before that when it was being used for sex, I had overwelming guilt for using something that I hated, and still do, for pleasure. As for reasons why I didn't do ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING to rid myself of it, I loved my family more than myself and didn't want to spend money that we all needed on just myself. If telling you that I tried to remove it by (1) tying it to a doorknob, (10yrs old) (2) cutting, (24yrs old) and (3) rubber bands until it nearly rotted off, (34yrs.) maybe that make you understand how much I detest it. Not that I should have to prove myself to anyone, believe me when I say that I am transsexual. There may be a penis in the bottom of my panties, but that does not mean that it was suppose to be there.

Sagebrush said...

Stephanie wants you to write something different. But the amount of TG BS requires the few of us to keep trying to put some sanity on the web to counteract all the BS.

I know you will write what you want, and that's as it should be. And I don't always agree with you! Surprise surprise. But often I do, and I'm grateful that you write what you write -- even when I disagree.

A-girl said...

I've been reading your blog for quite a while Liz and I don't know how I missed it or if you just haven't mentioned it until now but I was unaware your husband had passed.

You don't know me, but for what it's worth, please accept my heart felt condolences. To find love the right way is difficult for some, I can imagine loosing it (in the sense that one does/has) would be hard also.

Peace.