Thursday, November 18, 2010

How could he do that ?

I had to think long and hard about whether I should post this because it is not a pleasant subject to many but this was a very unique situation and in many ways it is sinister what was done in this situation. Hopefully people will not be offended.

I know a girl who thought she had found Mr. Right in 1971 but because she did not know how to tell him she was born transsexual she lost him  when he found out. Now she might have lost him if she had told him and most of us know those odds are high but she felt guilty nonetheless and in a classic case of a rebound love affair fell for this other man in 1972 and eventually married him and I know for a fact she made it clear she was born transsexual and she wanted a husband to love and children if possible through adoption.  She wanted normalcy.

Initially he could not convince her to marry him and about 6 months into the relationship he drops the bomb he has a daughter from his first marriage and his mom is taking care of her and she is not quite one year old and the baby will be theirs. He knew this young girl wanted children desperately.  The thought of having the chance to be the mother she dreamed of her entire childhood overwhelmed her and she immediately said yes and they were married. She was just a young girl born transsexual looking for her dream husband and a child.

She was in heaven in her mind. A husband and a beautiful daughter to nurture and love with all her heart. She knew in her heart there could never have been a better mom. She had money and they bought a business and a home together and she adopted his daughter and there may never have been a happier young girl. Everyone told her not to marry him. Everyone told her she could do better than this man.  He was tall and handsome but her friends disliked and distrusted him for reasons none could pinpoint. In her heart she knew she could do better but the need for a baby ruled.

She even loved changing her babies diapers. No cry at night went unanswered without her holding her daughter and sleepless nights were just part of being a good mom. Everyone commented what a wonderful and natural mom she was. She worked managing the business they bought but her daughter came first. The child was beautiful and laughed and smiled which brought her the kind of happiness she had never thought possible. When people commented that her daughter was the happiest baby they could remember she would secretly wipe away her tears of joy with a smile. She was never too busy for her baby and always managed to find the time to play with her child and the little girl toys she had wanted but was never allowed.

Her mother did not really like her husband but she had never seen her daughter so happy and her friends felt the same way. Everything was about Denise and she had started walking, she is talking, she said mommy, and she had a life few of her girl friends from NYC thought possible for any of them. She didn’t notice the distance that had come between her and her husband.  She always enjoyed sex but it had never been great with him and she even started dilating again. She thought maybe it was the attention she gave the child but he was distant when she wanted sex. She was puzzled because she knew she was attractive and she tried spicing it up a bit but nothing worked for long.

Like all of us she needed her estrogen at reduced levels for the remainder of her life and something strange began to happen. Her doctor in NYC had given her an open ended prescription for her estrogen but the count seemed wrong and her husband said he accidentally dropped the bottle and pills got wet and he threw them in the toilet and flushed them.  This was about 18 months after they were married.  It happened again and she felt a red light go on but this could not be true. He was a big man and so macho with his friends it was impossible and she had told him how she felt.  The only person wearing a dress in any relationship she had was her.

She confronted him on a weekend and the truth cut deep.  He wasn’t sure if he was transsexual but he liked wearing women’s clothes and he wanted small breasts and he had been stealing her hormones and other confessions that sent her reeling in disbelief. She was quite hysterical when he uttered the words ‘I thought you would understand’ and ‘I knew you didn’t mean what you had said’ and she thought about killing the bastard and Denise was crying and she ran to her child because she was more hers than she would ever be his and calmed her down.

He had lied to her and had deliberately deceived her and a lot of money was tied up in the new house and the business and she was so confused and very angry. When her mom talked with her she was so worried by how her daughter sounded she immediately flew to her daughter and called people to help like her doctor in NYC and her girl friend from NYC that her mom knew and liked.

When she got to her daughter she was shocked. She saw the same pain in her child’s eyes she had witnessed every day when her child had begged her to let her be the girl she was. She had always known her child’s mood just by looking in her eyes and he had done something that hurt her very deeply but she would not tell her mother what it was.

Her home was big.  It was way too big for them but by covenant in this gated community it had to be this size with a pool house and a pool. It was not the slums for sure and her husband had been adamant about building this house there and paying cash which she had done. California was a community property state so half of everything was by law his except her money which was in a NYC Bank and he couldn’t touch it.

If she threw his ass out and divorced him he would get half of everything right then and there and she would lose what was more precious than any amount of money.  She would lose her daughter and he loved his daughter but she did not want Denise raised by him. She also feared if she fought  him and brought out what he had done her past would become an open book and he could easily deny everything because there was really no proof. She probably would have won in court because legally they could not marry because she was not born female and gotten everything but the scandal scared her and it would drag out and scar her baby eventually so it was not an option.

Everyone figured he had cheated on her and in many ways thought she was the villain for not giving him another chance but those who knew her best understood she would not be this upset but she was not telling anyone because she was so embarrassed.  She had been born transsexual so how could she have missed this was haunting her existence? They reached an agreement which had them divorce but allowed him to stay in the house or more exactly the pool house until their daughter reached a certain age unless they both agreed to sell out. She locked her hormones and they agreed he could dress to his heart’s content in the pool house but not in their presence.

He said it was a mutually agreed upon divorce and they were still friends and she did manage the Company and feigned her friendship with him and everyone thought what sensible adults these two were. He led his life and she led her own life. She was 29 years old when this was all over with and deeply scarred. It was difficult for her to trust any man and she swore she would never marry again and never tell anyone about being born transsexual. It was all so confusing because she had done everything everyone had told her to do to build a successful marriage and she felt like a failure.

She is by nature a very positive girl and she overcame this and the bright smile and the sparkling kind eyes returned.  She started dating again and she had many suitors and men often wanted to get serious with her but she just broke it off if that happened. She thought she was scarred for life. She would never divulge her past to another man because she decided celibacy was a better option.

She stopped managing the business and applied to the California Institute of Technology for admittance in the early 80's and went back to grad school there and eventually moved on with her life.Time heals a lot of wounds and she would re-marry but this hurt.

That girl was me.

I wrote this a long time ago when I was very angry but in some ways I have never gotten over the hurt because I was deceived by him.  I was very angry with him and what I initially wrote I have deleted because it was not kind because every situation is different but this was a very special case because he knew how I felt before we were married but in retrospect I should have seen it coming.  He put the bait out there and it didn't take much of a pull to set the hook in me.

He knew everything about me before we were married and I left out no detail if he asked and he asked and that should have been the red flag. A normal straight guy does not want to talk about the shit people like us went through. Not even a Tranny chaser wants the details. Many of us are so vulnerable we are easy to deceive and use because when something like this is offered I know I could not deny myself. I have always wondered what I would have done if he told me he was a cross-dresser after he told me about Denise and before we were married?

I have honestly never forgiven him but we had to be civil to each other when Denise was married and he did other things that hurt later on because he was a selfish person and he always came first and it was everybody else that had to understand him. He blew through all the money he got when we sold the business and the house and probably would have come back for more but I was married again in the 80's and I think he was afraid of my second husband. I do not know where he is and I don't give a damn which is sad because at one time I did love him a little.

Denise has three children so I am technically a grandmother and I admit I dote on them but I avoid where they live in Florida over the Holidays because  I know he will be there with his second wife and it would not be easy for me to be civil.

To this day I do not understand how he could do what he did to me and I never will to be honest.


Caroline said...

If humans have mastered anything in this world it is the ability to harm each other.

The real killer line has to be:- "I know he will be there with his second wife and ...", you could not make this stuff up!

Caroline xxx

Jenny said...

I am sorry to read this, particularly from where I sit, wedding ring on finger and with a brain from the girl parts bin.

It's a slightly old-fashioned term, and one I don't know whether or not has the same meaning in the USA as it does here, Gentleman. I'm sorry you met one of us who mastered being a bloke, but didn't master being a gentleman.

nobody said...

I realized that I was given a most precious gift, in that I truly loved her. It is nothing to be ashamed of, whether the love is for a man, woman, child, cat, dog, or anything you feel in your heart worth loving. I was able to forget the fights, the harsh words, whatever she may or may not have thought in her own mind. We parted friends, and with the realization that the past was only a steppingstone, and that all that we have learned along the way can benefit us, if we're able to respect the fact that we all different.

Why did I marry a woman in the first place? Actually I did that twice. The second time, as it turned out, I found my best friend. Married, divorced, but never parted as true friends go. We had a son together, and now we have a grandchild. I am now considered by them as being a grandmother. It's not game anymore. This is real life, and regardless of where we came from, it is always possible to make the best of things, even when it's so difficult just grinning and bearing those inevitable awkward moments.

If in your heart you know that you did the best you could, then there is no shame, hate, or hurt you need to carry with you. If you feel that you were wronged, there is always a bright side, and all that is needed is to open your heart to all the infinite possibilites that love can bring.

If something stills hurts inside, try hard to push those feelings aside, and in your heart of hearts, wish that other person that hurt you, happiness, and a good life of his own. It could help you to forget, and to forgive.



Anonymous said...

That is an amazing story. As Caroline wrote, you couldn't make this stuff up.

I'm so sorry to hear what you went through. I know it's a long time ago, and hopefully life has been much better for you since. And you have a wonderful daughter and grandchildren! But it's sad that you avoid visiting them.

It's weird. Some people think we would be more sympathetic with a spouse with these kinds of issues. It seems hypocritical not to be. But I don't think I could live through what I put my partner through. That's one thing that makes her all the more amazing to me.

Thank you for sharing such a difficult chapter in your life.

Anonymous said...

OMG Liz I am so proud of you for putting this story out there. When you told me about it a few months ago it blew me away. It blows me away that here you are knowing (in a sense) what it feels like not just to be TS but to know what a wife feels like when a husband says to her that he believes he is as well. I admire you so much for your strength.

The other Liz

Elizabeth said...

I came out of it OK but it took a while. I did have family in California I was close to. My older brother Ray had been living in Fountain Valley for quite a while so he was close by and my Uncle Don and I had become close. He was married to my mom's sister and is just a wonderful man.

I actually took Denise and went back to NYC for over a month after it happened and then spent some time back home in Massachusetts. I stayed with Oscar because I needed to be as far from him as I could get.

When I returned to California I had to be cool with him for Denise's sake because she did not need to see her parents screaming and yelling at each other and we never did. She came first.

I think subliminally I felt maybe I wasn't as much of a girl as I thought I was. It was weird actually the thought process because I was just myself but self-confidence was never that high at times on my side of the aisle. People can tell you that you look great but I would point out every self-perceived flaw even before this happened.

He had told me everything I "wanted" to hear from a man and it kind of freaked me out. I went through a phase in my life where my brother Ray said I dated every willing sexy dirt-bag I could find in Orange and LA County. I got into surfing and started skiing again and I took risks I never should have. I thought I was a better surfer than I was and got splattered a couple of times on big waves and I still shudder thinking how crazy I was on skis at times at Big Bear or worse yet the trees in Tahoe at Kirkland.

I love music so like NYC I got into the LA music scene because it was heavier and I always liked that but I despised Glam Rock for obvious reasons. Just what I needed was some dude wearing makeup.

The weird thing is I was more willing to blame myself initially for not seeing it and the only person I ever told was Ray because he was always my protector.

Surviving shit is what we do because we are survivors in so many ways. The odds are stacked against us the second we enter this world from our mother's womb.

I calmed down eventually when I realized it was not my fault. I was never a drinker or drug user so I was safe from that but in a moment of pure irony it was a guitar playing friend that straightened my ass out as he said in the summer of 1978.

Ray asked him to talk with me after a concert and he told him what really happened because he knew we really liked and cared for each other and he simply asked me if I was trying to kill myself and make Denise a one parent child? That was a sobering thought coming from him since I was always worried he would drink or drug himself into oblivion.

Another reason I put this out there is someone posted something about bragging about my life and I do want people to understand going through this when some of us went through this in the 50's through the 70's was not some fairy tale and all that happened was we had a chance to live as girls and it was both painful and wonderful just like it is for all girls.

Life is never as good as it seems or as bad as it appears. As Ray would say based on his still silly obsession with the Three Stooges "I was just a victim of circumstance" and did the best I could with what I was dealt.

Getting to the point where we led productive lives was often painful and some of those memories are difficult to deal with so we gloss over them like my 1963 summer in hell which I will post something on and all the horrible things done to me and several friends as both kids and young adults.

I came out of this stronger only because I had a brother and a friend that cared about me but this journey many of you are taking is filled with people all to willing to hurt you and all you can do really is be careful and stay the course as my dad would have told me if alive.

Live your life the best you can.

Anne said...

Interesting post, Liz. I have tnought about what it would be like if my husband, whom I love dearly and beyond descrisption, came to me with such a disclosure.
I gotta tell you. That would be a serious "toughie".

As I may have mentioned somwhere, I am happily into my 4th marriage. I left my first husband over his unrelenting and hopelessly destructive use of drugs. Leaving him was not that hard. It cost me a lot of money, but was cheap at twice the cost.

My second husband was an alchoholic. I came to terms with that a couple years into the marriage and yet spent years in denial, maintaining the vain hope that he would get his drinking undr control. He never abused me and I loved him dearly. I even became a sympathetic drunk in my efforts to cope.

It took great effort to leave that man and it came down to the fundamental issue of self preservation.

However, probably one of the most difficult and painful decisions in my life was when I was relatively young. I had met this divorced man with two young sons, 3 a 7. The older one was quite mature for his age and accepted me as "mom" with the understanding that I might or might 'stick around'.

The younger boy was just a baby and desperately the love and tenderness only a mom could provide. We bonded from day one.

The only problem was that while a dearly loved those two boys...they were the fulfillment of a forever barren young woman's dream, I did not love their father. I never would. He was just not for me.

Oh, I could have 'tolerated' him and maybe even 'grown used to him' for the sake of the boys, but he could never provide for me what I needed as a woman.

It was a terrible choice, but I left the day after the younger boy uttered the word 'mommie'. My only consolation was my certain knowledge that it only would have been worse had I waited.

That one, was definately an "ouch"

Anonymous said...

The most interesting and significant part of the things being talked about here is that the narrative is essentially one that a great many women face and is not a part of scenarios only women with our medical past would face. It's quite refreshing.

That said The emotional damage done to you Elizabeth must have been tough to get through. I've been through some real crap but nothing like what you've shared here. How's this for irony, the biggest love of my life was a guitar player from a well known rock band. Though I doubt very much whether it was the musician you've talked about. We parted as friends and have remained friends to this day.

There is no way I could tolerate cross dressing in my partner so I know very much what you were probably feeling. I don't believe I would have done anything different to you. I can't understand why anyone would believe that we would have any special insight or tolerance towards transvestism. However it does seem that for reasons best known to transvestites they believe we are the same as them just more extreme versions. Well, WE ARE NOT.


Elizabeth said...


My guitar player was British and had a roving eye so who knows but we were never really in love like you talk about. More like a couple of lonely souls that found company and friendship together in NYC and had what we called occasional passionate moments with each other after my surgery although I gave poor Harry a few fits with him.

Like I said I did like bad boys and he was a really bad boy at times.

Anonymous said...

Why oh why is the best sex always with "bad boys"


Elizabeth said...


The sense of danger. The thrill of someone perceived on the edge. Most exude alpha male qualities which I like although my guitar player was a total gentleman with me always and quite romantic.

Bad boys are fun and willing to enjoy life to its fullest. They take risks to enjoy life and sometimes they are good risks and sometimes they are dumb.

The real key thing is I have no real inhibitions during sex and neither do bad boys so it is rarely the same which is thrilling to me.

Anne said...

yumm yumm to sex with bad boys!