Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Why I blog.

I blog because it helps remind me of the past and remind me where I came from and how lucky I was and am. All of my posts are my personal opinions and sometimes they grate people the wrong way and well that is what happens when one blogs. I had an issue with another blogger, Aria Blue,  over an opinion of hers and hopefully that is over because her last few posts have been less filled with vitriol and she is such a good writer I enjoy reading what she posts whether I agree or not. It may not seem it to some but I am open to other opinions.

Sometimes when I get upset it may seem personal but I try not to be that way but I am human and I can be hurt and I will respond in kind when attacked. I have received quite a bit of criticism about Mikki the Scrabble player but I do not wish her any ill will.  I just simply cannot accept what I saw as a transsexual and would like to be wrong but fetish attire kind of doesn't fit but then that is my view. It does not mean one is a bigot if one does not believe a story that by its very appearance questions its validity.

I wrote a post about "The Gay Transsexual" or what Benjamin called the Type VI transsexual or  classic feminine transsexual or what others have defined as the effeminate transsexual.  The post was about my reflections on being one of those kids defined as the "feminine boy transsexual" and believe me I was not bragging about being that type of transsexual because it wasn't a lot of fun. There are actually people that believe if they can get themselves labeled as a Type VI that it is some badge of honor.  Normally they would call such people masochists but personally I would not wish it on my worst enemy.

It was confusing and caused me a lot of pain and I never have understood why I was lucky and friends were not and died. It was strictly about me and nobody else and was not a reflection on anybody or the meaning of  life or the truth about their life nor a reflection on "how" transsexual someone is or was yet one individual took it that way and she had some ugly things to say about me which I let pass at first because I still have no idea why this individual was upset.

She deleted her posts, I have copies, which can only indicate to me she was embarrassed by what she posted. I eventually retaliated after she continued her nastiness and that is like I have said a personal weakness because turning the other cheek is not something I am very good at.

I am proud of the fact I managed to overcome a lot and have lived a productive life as a woman. All of my accomplishments in life came after surgery.  My life before surgery was a daily living nightmare for a lot of it even after I was introduced to Harry.  That said I think kids like I was are lucky. My heart goes out to those that have suffered for years before resolving these issues. I make no claim that I understand how they do it but I go back to Harry's book and re-read it and most of his patients transitioned rather late and he cared about them all. Sometimes I have been insensitive to it but I have worked on understanding it better. I do understand how the mind can make people wait and can trick you and how society can push you into a corner. In my mind the courageous transsexuals are not kids like I was but those that suffered, lived good lives, and resolved it when it became unbearable. I had it easy in comparison.

Some might find that offensive but when you are arguably the dumbest smart person as a child it is an accomplishment. I was dumb because smart kids do not try suicide but then I was and am emotional. I reflect a lot on my early years because I was finally given the letters between my mother and Dr. Benjamin over four years after my mom died in 2005. I never knew they wrote to each other and it is decidedly weird reading about yourself from the point of view of your mother and your doctor. I learned things I never knew and some things I wish I didn't know now.  It has been revealing as I translated the letters.

I learned a lot of what happened to me was carefully planned by people that cared about a very confused child that just didn't understand why others didn't believe her. I learned that there were more people that cared about me than I realized and I learned I was a lot closer to success at suicide than I thought which is scary.

I have blogged about some of what happened to me as a child and I have posts ready to go that discuss some very ugly events in my early life that bear witness to how in the dark the world was about transsexuals and also how dark the world could be for us. I was deliberately physically scarred by a doctor twice and had a horrible encounter with psychiatrists when I was 17 1/2. The worst part of it is friends of mine had similar instances.

If some of you are bothered or hurt by what I post please do not read the blog because I really have no interest in hurting others.  All others are welcome to comment.


Anonymous said...

Excellent post. And thank you for sharing your earlier life and the lessons you learned from it.

Anne said...

"In my mind the courageous transsexuals are not kids like I was but those that suffered, lived good lives, and resolved it when it became unbearable. I had it easy in comparison." -Elizabeth

I too feel that it was much easier for those of us who transitioned early, to assimilate successfully into the mainstream. There are those who would argue otherwise and I will respect their dissent.

On another topic, I would like to discuss a couple of questions that I find of personal interest. Rather than hi-jack this, your blog, I invite you to visit mine where I will try to address my understanding of Harry's book in light of some rather interesting recent research.