It seems that I should feel guilty because I somehow got to live my life as a girl and a woman. Somehow, I did something wrong by not being "out" and "proud" to be "trans". Some of the many loons that promote this theme, Stephanie for one, have been losers their entire lives. Rather than living life they delved into drugs and booze and unlike those courageous enough to defeat those demons they prefer to blame people like me for living a quiet and successful life.
We all face those demons when we are born transsexual. There is a lot of negativity surrounding us and in my era that negativity was compounded by lack of knowledge about transsexualism and in my case complete lack of realization that it existed. One does not choose transsexualism, it chooses you, despite what some would like you to believe. Anyone that would "claim" they choose transsexualism is insane. It is that simple but then some people will latch onto anything if it gives their pathetic lives meaning.
Whether you are 13, 25, 35, or 45 dealing with transsexualism is not a walk in the park, it is a lot of hard work and unfortunately sometimes luck is involved. I certainly did not have the roof of my garage lift off and reveal to me that I was "transsexual" late in life as one particular loon describes her awakening which was of course later altered to present better picture. I and most like me lived this nightmare every single day and believe me the movie "Groundhog Day" is what we lived every single day except ours was a nightmare not somewhere where we get to enlighten ourselves.
Our enlightenment is the salvation of SRS and the potential new life it can lead to and that is a key point. We have the potential to have the life we want and have prayed for but it takes a lot of courage to work for that life. Initially I tried to bow out of life because I felt helpless and that is a problem for many children and young adults.
I have had multiple people tell me if I had been more open about my life it would have helped them back in the day. Well, I actually was kind of open about this for a short while after SRS on radio in NYC and several Television shows out of the city but it was not the life i wanted. I did not fight my way through this crap to play activist. I fought my way through this crap to live and by live I mean live as just an ordinary woman in everyday American life. I believe I succeeded at that.
Somehow I am not supposed to be proud that I actually set precedents for women in multiple areas of Business and Engineering. No, I am not going to tell you what but those that know me as close friends understand the circumstances. I and many like me have done similar things over the years not because we were somehow still "tarns", we thankfully leave that behind us, but because we are women and circumstances gave us a chance to succeed and we did.
Now, the simple concept of staying "trans" is where we differ. I was not "crossing" or "changing" or "playing" or "femulating" after SRS, I was just living as me and no longer "trans" because SRS ended that.
When I woke up completely after making it back to my room in the late afternoon there was a friendly hand holding my hand. It was Dr. Benjamin and he asked me "how do you feel", which I am sure was about the pain but my comment started with, "I feel complete", and we ended up in a hazy conversation about why it was finally over but the key was what Harry said before he left. He said, "It will only be over if you let it be over", and it took a while for that to sink into my thick Welsh gray matter but eventually it did.
In order to live you have to let go of the past. It does not mean you forget about what you went through and all the pain and anguish. It means you have to finally accept the fact you are a girl, a woman, a female, and a complete person. You are no longer transsexual, transgender, or trans because that is just a crutch many find convenient to lean on. One does not have to work so hard at living if one has a crutch.
The thing I found amazing was I actually never thought about being born male after SRS. Do not get me wrong, I remembered, because I had some seriously ugly shit done to me but I won and they lost because I survived and made it.
Yes, I won the genetic lottery at birth because I was feminine but as a child it was genetic hell in so many ways. Believe me, I am not sorry about that, I was lucky and for that I am thankful. I am in awe of those born transsexual that lost the genetic lottery yet still worked their ass off to succeed and make themselves presentable as women, because they earned it and they will cherish it. I am appalled when so-called activists say negative things about what they have done to make it. It is actually jealousy because when you are a complete loser in life then it makes your life more livable to believe someone else got all the breaks, when in fact, like all of us, they worked their ass off to get there.
These so-called activists that claim that unless you are "out" and "proud" your life has no meaning are the real losers in life. Many of these activists are still packing a penis and are deluding themselves into believing they are actually female and a woman. They support crazies like Colleen Francis because it benefits their delusional world view and are incapable of realizing it actually harms women because they understand they are not women so like all "men" they want to change the world definition of "female" to fit them and their penis. They even like to claim, if they like men, that the men that like them are straight. I actually watched a video where one said "her" straight boyfriends liked to suck her penis. Sorry pal but any man that sucks a dick is gay or bisexual and most certainly not straight, but then they do live in a delusional world. Also, if you want your "dick" sucked you are not a woman so get over it. By the way I have no issue if this is what they enjoy but please do not tell me I have to believe your delusion!
I have a friend in England that I am in awe of in so many ways. She is an activist but the quiet type who still lives a rather mundane to normal life but fights for kids. She has helped kids I would have run from because we have set requirements including parental support. In so many ways we are cowards compared to her. She takes on cases and causes that would cause me to shudder. Another mutual friend of ours does the same thing in the Philadelphia area of the United States. She is a Saint because she not only helps them, she rescues them and moves them into her home for safety as has my friend in England. They are both quiet about their lives yet they give back in ways none of these new activists ever could.
There are some activists I disagree with vehemently about many issues but they do things I am in awe of. Dysonnance runs a shelter in Arizona and deserves to be commended for that. Black Swan has helped many with legal briefs relating to insurance and other issues in Los Angeles including those children at Children's Hospital of LA. We agree to disagree, she hates me, but she gets kudos for trying to help.
There are many others that have done similar good deeds. The problem is that all too many are activists for their own needs and do not give a damn about anyone but themselves. The list is too long and it would be a disservice to even mention one name.
Many of these fools are simply transvestites looking to legitimize their existence by claiming they are no longer "crossdressers" but are transgendered. It is part of the delusional world they live in where they are obsessed with "womenless" pageants and sundry other issues where boys are pretending to be girls which is what they do in their daily lives.
The funny thing about activists is there are two types. Those that chose to be activists and those that were outed and had it chosen for them. I really have little issue with those that had it chosen for them like Lynn Conway because we might disagree but she lived life as a woman and has a clue unlike some that have played at it and think they are owed something because they are permanently "trans".
So to put it bluntly I am not sorry for living my life as just an ordinary woman. If that is not what you wanted then you were not born transsexual. Sometimes circumstances intervene but I have never met anyone born transsexual that wanted anything other than normalcy in their life. All the rest of you are just plain frauds and should change you mantra from "trans woman" to "fraudulent woman" because it fits better. Until you have lived as a woman with your past unknown you cannot truly understand what it means to be a woman. It is why there are feminists and sadly you frauds will never understand that.
You will never have a fellow Engineer ask; "why is a pretty girl like you not home having babies?"; you will never be told you get less pay because men need to support their wife and children; you will never be denied promotions because you might get pregnant; you will never be told you are a girl so emotionally you cannot possibly handle the position; and you will never be told you fucked your way to the top if you actually do move up the Corporate ladder.
You assholes will have your "trans" protections that women do not have but you will also claim the same rights as women that many of us have fought for and earned over the years. You keep your male privilege gained on the job as a man with your "trans rights" and still demand to be accepted as a woman. You are so clueless you cannot see how badly that galls most women in the workforce but then you are a special kind of woman aren't you? You are a "trans woman" and are so naive you cannot realize how silly that sounds but then men just do not get it.
On the other hand you will never know what the joys of being a woman are. That first kiss from a boy that literally blows you mind because it is everything you dreamed of. That first date with a boy when he holds your hand and you feel protected. That first true relationship with a guy that changes your life forever. The first time you have sex when you are actually nervous and scared at the same time yet the man that is making love to you leads you gently through your first experience. The incredible sensual joy of your first female orgasm during sex, it is mind altering. They joy of possibly getting the chance of being a stepmother and learning that maternal instincts are within you along with some help from mom. Finally meeting your soul mate and the wedding you dreamed of and the realization that the man waiting for you with the Minister is someone you want to spend your life with, who loves you and will protect you which is a base instinct for all women.
There are so many more and all of them are apropos of any lesbian relationship. So all of you "fraudulent women" out there just remember you will always be what you were before you decided to be trans and we will always be what we should have been and regardless of what you say your penis defines you and in some cases your words define you as mine do me. I am comfortable with who I am and my life while you are a misfit and always will be because you will always be "trans" in your own mind.
Sadly you are what you were born and no legislation and no amount of pandering will ever change the simple fact we won and you lost and in so many ways it is sad how lost you really are. You can learn the story but when you deny the life the story demands then you lose.