Thursday, December 29, 2011

This blog, pains in the ass, and pet peeves.

There are times I wonder why I bother. Like most I am not adverse to saying and posting stupid things but since this is my blog I reserve the right to do that. Like all of you I am a flawed human being. Being flawed is part of the human experience. Our flaws are why many people strive desperately to discover some kind of spiritual meaning to our seemingly short physical existence. There has to be something else besides this because we all recognize the flaws evident in everyday society. It is what has driven man to religions of all forms.

My opinions are mine and are based on my experience in a life I never thought I would get to live as a child. I know I was born transsexual but firmly believe I was cured in early 1971. I am not a victim nor am I believer that this medical condition should control your entire life.  I know how it consumed me as a child. I was both confused, scared and very angry until I met a Physician that began the process of leading me to my salvation. Salvation might be a strong word for some but to me it was salvation because I was saved. It was a long process that lasted slightly over 11 years do to some unforeseen challenges and setbacks which were not uncommon for us in the predawn era of whatever enlightenment has occurred concerning those of us born transsexual.

After my surgery I never really thought about being born transsexual until some situation reared its ugly face. I failed to tell a man I fell in love with within 6 months of my SRS and paid a very steep price when he somehow found out before I could tell him. I can honestly say I am not sure I really had any idea how to tell him or if I ever would have told him. I was kind of consumed with being the girl I finally was and even after a proposal I gleefully accepted I never really broached the subject of telling him. I was told I should by everyone but being young and in love was so thrilling and life was such pure joy I think I believed it would never end because I deserved this.

I was so happy it just did not seem necessary but living in NYC made it a necessity plus where he worked and who he represented made it imperative but nobody ever said kids like us have a lot of common sense when it comes to dealing with men, love, sex, and other issues. I sometimes wonder would it have been different if I had managed to tell him but I cannot honestly say it would have been. What he said and called me cut to the bone and was both bruising and nasty but I told myself I deserved it but none of us really deserve that.

I sometimes wish I could have just moved to another continent and left everything behind including the silliness of having been born transsexual. The problem with that scenario was leaving behind the many people I cared about such as my mom, brothers, Harry, and lose friends. I have a close friend who did this and succeeded wonderfully because she has had a wonderfully normal life as a woman.

I have actually thought of shutting this blog down but have decided not to. I have been threatened by people like June Hingle who has tried desperately to find out who I am so she can hurt me in theory by exposing my identity. June has threatened another blogger and has caused her to back off. Every time I take moderation off June finds her way back to my blog with her hatred of me. I actually received a rather ugly email from June after she commented on the "First Kiss" post.

June seems to believe that if she makes "nice" people will forgive her for her past comments but I am and never will forgive her for what she has done and said openly and done and said behind the scenes. Quite simply I do not want to be "pals" with June Hingle because I could never trust June Hingle and well she makes the insane seem sane. One minute she is posting vicious comments on any blog comment section where she has not been banned aimed at me and then she is trying to make nice with comments and assuming her make nice makes up for what was said.

One thing I will warn all commentators about is that every comment is logged as an email behind the scenes and is part of blogger if you want so despite the fact she deletes her own comments I have them all going back to day one. I have every comment archived. Her delusions go very deep and she has burned her bridges everywhere on the internet. Few people are as openly shunned as June.

She is banned from commenting on this blog and is the only reason moderation is on. June is the classic example of a sock puppet.  She has more identities than an identity thief. June is not welcome here.

I have a simple philosophy about this condition we were born with. I actually do not give advice about transition or even to those post other than be safe and that includes the sundry kids I have been involved in helping. We talk with them and if asked will possibly give advice but everyone needs to make their way down this path themselves. Every transition is different and thus no two transitions are the same. It is because people are different.

After one is cured everyone has to live their own life. Go stealth if you want to because it is your right to be happy. Be public if you want because that is your right but just remember you represent yourself and nobody voted you the local know it all. This then gets to my pet peeve which has caused some of my posts and rants.

If you have not transitioned then STFU about the difficulties involved in transitioning. You have no freaking clue. Whether you know it or not you are acting like a typical know it all man which in many cases you still are. If you have not had SRS then please do not try and tell those of us that live as women what it means to be a woman.  If you have a freaking penis you will NEVER understand what it means to be a woman. We deal with men as women on a daily basis and I can assure you most of us are as clueless as most women are about men other than realizing most of them are controlled by their penis which means those that kept theirs fall into the same category.

Do not tell me or kids like me you would have done what we did at our ages if given the chance. The problem is quite simply nobody gave us a "chance" we just did it because we could not nor would not continue the way we were. It was our survival mechanism. I never had a gay relationship with all my gay boyfriends like June once threw in my face. I had a boyfriend that loved me as a girl and never pushed it sexually. I had two boyfriends in college after he died and neither pushed it sexually. They knew how I felt about it. Discounting my rape, which i do not remember,  my first experience with sex was when I was 25 1/2 with a man as a free girl in NYC.

I find those that have not walked any of this path but post about it like they have to be pathetic. It is a typically male attitude to believe they know better what it means to be either transsexual or a girl/female/woman. Nothing can or could be farther from the truth but then all those transvestite fantasy magazines with their forced feminization themes give them all that expertise they think they need.

Another pet peeve is the belief by many late transitioners that they are Type VI Benjamin transsexuals.  I am not denying they are transsexual but I can assure you not one single Type VI transsexual ever made it to 50. Total Psycho Sexual Inversion makes it impossible but then that is something they manage to overlook and truly cannot understand because if they did they would not lie to themselves or would memorize a more accurate narrative for the incompetent therapist they intend to fool. All I will add is unless you have lived through that kind of anguish you cannot possibly understand how ludicrous it is to claim at 50+ that you are Type VI because not one of us would wish what we went through on another single living person. I would not wish it on my worst enemy.

Another pet peeve is the lengths that some men will go to get the wife to approve of their transgressions into cross-dressing. Is my pal the "bee-sting transsexual" one of these?  Yes, but Chloe was transsexual to start with IMHO. I was never married to a woman so I gather it must be rough telling the wife and a little subterfuge is often required.

My real pet peeve is A. E. Brain in Australia who claims to both transsexual, intersexed, and a rocket scientist.  Only one of her claims is true. I actually know the person that mentioned to Zoe that she might be intersex based on the wild claims she was making online. Within a few days of this conversation Zoe was intersex and claiming to be 47 XXY despite fathering children which is impossible without fertility aid but why let the facts get in the way. Zoe is also not a Rocket Scientist as she claims because those that know me can attest that I actually was once a Rocket Scientist and Zoe is not. I will give Zoe transsexual because Zoe had SRS but the rest is total bullshit.

Now we get to my newest and best pet peeve. The way child transsexuals are treated in Britain and the absolute insanity of whom and what attempts to claim representation of these kids. I am not going into detail because I am composing a major post on everything and everyone involved from the Portman Clinic to certain  supposed charities and groups supposedly helping kids and one particular idiot transgender clown that goes by the name Natacha and claims to be a researcher involved with children. His claims along with multiple idiots in British government promote the idea that no single person can possibly know they are transsexual when they are young.  They are led by a post FTM whose positions defy description and are directly opposite of everything learned in multiple studies form the Dutch.

The simple truth is they attempt to coerce and push children from getting help and force them to go through a male puberty. According to reliable sources there is not a single documented case of a child even getting on blockers in Britain.  In fact one government official quite openly said parents should go to America for help.  My friend and I have two children in Britain we rescued from this fate who were both denied access to any help. There are multiple sources that will be referenced that back this up.

The worst part is if you bring them to America to Boston Children's all you will get is blockers until sixteen. The key is for the child to go through the puberty of their true sex not delay it and then whether all you current transsexuals realize it or not the estrogen dosage they put you on is so ludicrously low it is ineffective. Thus the need for implants.The reason is that great Hippocratic Oath section that promotes saving your ass or covering your ass and my general belief these people would not know a truly transsexual child if the child bit them in the ass. There is some hope at LA Children's but the key is early hormone intervention. The earlier the better and we can see examples of those results.

Enough rants for now. I need to prepare for my birthday, I count backwards now, and a new year. Happy New Year to all and please subtract one year for me this Saturday.


Anonymous said...

We've discussed so much of these pains in the ass, peeves and rants over the past months Liz. I've also experienced the threat of exposure unless I "shut up" or at least stop saying what I really think, albeit not from JH. It comes with the territory when you don't conform. The trouble with people like us Liz is we don't conform and never have. It takes a strongly free spirit and will to complete what we both have. Ironic when what we both sought was the right and ability to conform but on our terms.

The UK I once knew was not so closed to helping the young as they are now and I am not sure how this has come about. I know the FtM to whom you refer and was surprised when he took the turn of attitude he has. So much was achieved as a result of his work. Though it would seem much of the good has been diluted with a far too liberal aproach to delusional transvestites. This too the detriment of the kids. I have no idea where I why it has all gone so wrong there.

I closed my own blog a while ago now and we've been over my reasons in private. For the record and for the benefit of those who read this blog whith whom I clashed; I stopped blogging solely because the constant thinking about issues I left behind long ago was damaging a life I worked so hard and went through so much emotional pain to establish. My life now is far too precious to endanger for the sake of fools who dislike hearing the truth. Truth that you speak here Liz.

I look forward to reading your proposed post because you outline an important issue that needs to be exposed for the disgraceful state of affairs that it is. Good luck.


Deena said...

I agree with your take on Zoe and Zoe knows I do. JH is irrelevant as is AS. Sorry to cut it short but I just had a call from a bf in the Caribbean who invited me down for 2 weeks on his sailboat. Tata.

Anne said...

The truth is that the truth HURTS. We all have had to face our "truth", and the reality is that it was SO painful that we would not wish it on our worst enemies.

It is also extremely unfortunate that unlike most everybody else, those of us that have successfully survived the ravages of being born transsexual, are being silenced due to our particular vunerability to the that ultimate "terror weapon of mass/life destruction", AKA "outing", or being falsely portrayed as being "just like us", (the TG/TV).

The painful truth is that TV's/TG's are NOT widely accepted in mainstream society. Hence their constant and persistant efforts at conflation. They cannot allow the early treatment of pre-pubescent TS children because this would confirm the FACT that TS's actually EXIST as distinct from your garden variety cross-dresser.

Marilyn said...

I need to say thank you for your blog. Your blog along with Anne's and Susan's helped me to understand that it is OK to be an early transitioner and not be happy with the current wave of transgender non-sense.

Last year I passed the mark of living longer since my surgery than before, and I thought I would pop back into the world of TS and see if I could help. I discovered that it is still filled with the people who don't understand and yet they try to speak as experts. Reading your blog helped me see that there are real people like me and maybe I can help.

I'm glad your blog is still around, and I wish that Anne's was still going. I've started my own to try add a common voice of reason (at least I hope I can be).

Anonymous said...

I don't think "salvation" is too strong a word. I think that word is quite appropriate.

We deserve to live full lives as the sex our brains were born with and that our bodies should have been born with. None of us deserves abuse or worse for fixing our congenital disorder.

I do not know any details of the situation in the UK, but it's horrifying to think that health care providers anywhere in the world would be taking a step backward instead of as many steps forward as possible. I can only imagine the despair of young people born transsexual who can't get the help they need in their own country, a country that is supposed to provide proper health care.


tabbyb said...

It would have made a difference in that you wouldn't have wasted all that time on a man who didn't deserve you. I always make it a point to be up front with any man who starts heading in a romantic direction because if I'm going to loose him I'd rather loose him early before the investment in time and emotional angst. Plus you will live longer.

Jessica said...

Liz, I would like to thank you heavily for this blog, as opposed to the far too common and ignorant "I am loud and proud, transgender forever." Well, the transgender part is likely right- they are likely enjoying a neoclit, or getting off on some part of their malehood.

It is very reliving to know that there are at least some people out there who realize what a sham the umbrella stands for. Let me stand out in the rain to it, I say; it does not represent me.

I can not claim to satisfy of your or many others definition full woman (due to still having incorrect appendages at this time), or full difficulties of dealing with such a medical condition, but I know I've been dealt some awful injustice.

The medical community has not only preferred to use a word like 'transgender' to describe me (didn't realize all those 'women' who love their penis were the same as I! Who knew?), but they have denied me treatment for no reason, for nearly 3 years, denying me hormones, for my medical condition causing me great distress.

As a Type VI, and at 19, this disgusts me, enough that these said 'caring' doctors are concerned about my suicidal risk, and yet still are wasting my time, with the obvious solution right in front of them, stated directly to their face. Why is it so hard to understand these basic needs?

Keep up your excellent work Liz, it is truly appreciated. Like Marilyn above me, I am also a rare young transitioner who rejects the foolishness of transgender, and has the future plan of stealth, not being happily open, sharing my medical records and history with everyone I meet.

Elizabeth said...


Please email me.


Unknown said...

Jessica, please forgive me if I sound unsupportive or overly critical here, believe me, it is not my intention, but can I ask:

do you not have Internet access? Is it not possible to buy HRT online where you are? Is there some reason you can not start to take matters into your own hands?

Obviously you know things are possible, what exactly is it that is holding you back?

Don't get me wrong, I do not advise unsupervised abuse of HRT, but you can source your own meds and be smart about how you use them, research levels, and get you general practitioner to help you monitor levels.

When a Type vi as you describe yourself knows what is possible, they don't play the victim or make excuses as you have?

Best wishes to you.

Jessica said...

Thank you Liz, I'll contact you at once; expect an e-mail shortly; thank you for your generosity.

As for unknown; thank you for your response, I understand your expressed concerns. However, the excuses, I believe are a character fault of mine, I quickly pass blame unfortunately; this is not a transsexual related 'excuse', so to speak.

To address your points, all of which bear legitimacy and relevance, in order:

Do I have internet access? Yes, I do; and I am fairly certain that I could obtain Do-It-Yourself medications at my current location.

A few things have held me back from: One, an upcoming evaluation to confirm with an actually kind doctor that they can begin legal HRT at this time, such as within the month. If the above is the case, I would deem it unnecessary. Sure, I would like estrogen at my doorstep next week, but given my current sequence of events, doing this would be likely unnecessary.

However, I also have held myself back because I have worried that doing this, while I realize such benefits for me would be notable, I worry heavily that a future therapist (I have had many previous ones, none of whom worked for me) would deem such behavior as irresponsible, and, as such, hold me back further, denying me a possible surgery letter later. Perhaps it sounds foolish, but I feel I can truly get started more quickly, and with more trust if I do not go that route, as much as I would like to.

I agree with your approach; however, a serious problem for me has been trying to find an endocrinologist in my area; I feel this would be critical in making sure hormonal levels are safe, and available for check-up. Sadly, despite my primary doctor being very well versed in the needs of the transsexual, she does not have the knowledge to measure levels, to the best of my knowledge.

Additionally, while I realize the choice to use independent one, regardless of what anyone else says, my supportive doctor (who is also my primary doctor), when have I have flat out stated I would like to do such an action, advised against strongly it, only concerned of my well-being (and I'm worried about legal implications). Because of this, I am afraid she would trust me less, and be less willing to help me going forward.

Finally, I need a job. This, in my opinion comes across as an excuse, and I blame myself for it, no questions asked.

The situation, however, is something of a Catch-22 (I think I should give in first, to be honest): Others want me to have a job first, but I feel that I could not function under a male name and pronouns. That is a weak excuse; if you respond with such, I fully agree. After all, I feel I could try to deal with the name/pronoun usage as motivation for just curing my condition.

Since I am young, you could point out that I could work as a female; don't I wish. The main problem of this is that my voice is lower than anyone I know; sadly this is not an exaggeration. Nearly everyone who talks to me or hears my voice comments on its low tones. This started well before the hell of puberty, nurses commented on it soon after I was born.

However, that aside, I fail to see how a job relates to treatment of a transsexual medical condition.

Thank you for your well-wishing, and have a happy new year.

Elizabeth said...

The reason I asked was I was unsure where you lived. I have a friend that could have helped you in Britain.

The US is different. Hang in there.

Unknown said...

Holy crap Jessica!....
You've certainly got it all worked out! And they really won't put you on HRT huh?
I'm sorry to hear that, I hope things turn around for you soon.

Again, best wishes!