How could he do that ?

I had to think long and hard about whether I should post this because it is not a pleasant subject to many but this was a very unique situation and in many ways it is sinister what was done in this situation. Hopefully people will not be offended.

I know a girl who thought she had found Mr. Right in 1971 but because she did not know how to tell him she was born transsexual she lost him  when he found out. Now she might have lost him if she had told him and most of us know those odds are high but she felt guilty nonetheless and in a classic case of a rebound love affair fell for this other man in 1972 and eventually married him and I know for a fact she made it clear she was born transsexual and she wanted a husband to love and children if possible through adoption.  She wanted normalcy.

Initially he could not convince her to marry him and about 6 months into the relationship he drops the bomb he has a daughter from his first marriage and his mom is taking care of her and she is not quite one year old and the baby will be theirs. He knew this young girl wanted children desperately.  The thought of having the chance to be the mother she dreamed of her entire childhood overwhelmed her and she immediately said yes and they were married. She was just a young girl born transsexual looking for her dream husband and a child.

She was in heaven in her mind. A husband and a beautiful daughter to nurture and love with all her heart. She knew in her heart there could never have been a better mom. She had money and they bought a business and a home together and she adopted his daughter and there may never have been a happier young girl. Everyone told her not to marry him. Everyone told her she could do better than this man.  He was tall and handsome but her friends disliked and distrusted him for reasons none could pinpoint. In her heart she knew she could do better but the need for a baby ruled.

She even loved changing her babies diapers. No cry at night went unanswered without her holding her daughter and sleepless nights were just part of being a good mom. Everyone commented what a wonderful and natural mom she was. She worked managing the business they bought but her daughter came first. The child was beautiful and laughed and smiled which brought her the kind of happiness she had never thought possible. When people commented that her daughter was the happiest baby they could remember she would secretly wipe away her tears of joy with a smile. She was never too busy for her baby and always managed to find the time to play with her child and the little girl toys she had wanted but was never allowed.

Her mother did not really like her husband but she had never seen her daughter so happy and her friends felt the same way. Everything was about Denise and she had started walking, she is talking, she said mommy, and she had a life few of her girl friends from NYC thought possible for any of them. She didn’t notice the distance that had come between her and her husband.  She always enjoyed sex but it had never been great with him and she even started dilating again. She thought maybe it was the attention she gave the child but he was distant when she wanted sex. She was puzzled because she knew she was attractive and she tried spicing it up a bit but nothing worked for long.

Like all of us she needed her estrogen at reduced levels for the remainder of her life and something strange began to happen. Her doctor in NYC had given her an open ended prescription for her estrogen but the count seemed wrong and her husband said he accidentally dropped the bottle and pills got wet and he threw them in the toilet and flushed them.  This was about 18 months after they were married.  It happened again and she felt a red light go on but this could not be true. He was a big man and so macho with his friends it was impossible and she had told him how she felt.  The only person wearing a dress in any relationship she had was her.

She confronted him on a weekend and the truth cut deep.  He wasn’t sure if he was transsexual but he liked wearing women’s clothes and he wanted small breasts and he had been stealing her hormones and other confessions that sent her reeling in disbelief. She was quite hysterical when he uttered the words ‘I thought you would understand’ and ‘I knew you didn’t mean what you had said’ and she thought about killing the bastard and Denise was crying and she ran to her child because she was more hers than she would ever be his and calmed her down.

He had lied to her and had deliberately deceived her and a lot of money was tied up in the new house and the business and she was so confused and very angry. When her mom talked with her she was so worried by how her daughter sounded she immediately flew to her daughter and called people to help like her doctor in NYC and her girl friend from NYC that her mom knew and liked.

When she got to her daughter she was shocked. She saw the same pain in her child’s eyes she had witnessed every day when her child had begged her to let her be the girl she was. She had always known her child’s mood just by looking in her eyes and he had done something that hurt her very deeply but she would not tell her mother what it was.

Her home was big.  It was way too big for them but by covenant in this gated community it had to be this size with a pool house and a pool. It was not the slums for sure and her husband had been adamant about building this house there and paying cash which she had done. California was a community property state so half of everything was by law his except her money which was in a NYC Bank and he couldn’t touch it.

If she threw his ass out and divorced him he would get half of everything right then and there and she would lose what was more precious than any amount of money.  She would lose her daughter and he loved his daughter but she did not want Denise raised by him. She also feared if she fought  him and brought out what he had done her past would become an open book and he could easily deny everything because there was really no proof. She probably would have won in court because legally they could not marry because she was not born female and gotten everything but the scandal scared her and it would drag out and scar her baby eventually so it was not an option.

Everyone figured he had cheated on her and in many ways thought she was the villain for not giving him another chance but those who knew her best understood she would not be this upset but she was not telling anyone because she was so embarrassed.  She had been born transsexual so how could she have missed this was haunting her existence? They reached an agreement which had them divorce but allowed him to stay in the house or more exactly the pool house until their daughter reached a certain age unless they both agreed to sell out. She locked her hormones and they agreed he could dress to his heart’s content in the pool house but not in their presence.

He said it was a mutually agreed upon divorce and they were still friends and she did manage the Company and feigned her friendship with him and everyone thought what sensible adults these two were. He led his life and she led her own life. She was 29 years old when this was all over with and deeply scarred. It was difficult for her to trust any man and she swore she would never marry again and never tell anyone about being born transsexual. It was all so confusing because she had done everything everyone had told her to do to build a successful marriage and she felt like a failure.

She is by nature a very positive girl and she overcame this and the bright smile and the sparkling kind eyes returned.  She started dating again and she had many suitors and men often wanted to get serious with her but she just broke it off if that happened. She thought she was scarred for life. She would never divulge her past to another man because she decided celibacy was a better option.

She stopped managing the business and applied to the California Institute of Technology for admittance in the early 80's and went back to grad school there and eventually moved on with her life.Time heals a lot of wounds and she would re-marry but this hurt.

That girl was me.

I wrote this a long time ago when I was very angry but in some ways I have never gotten over the hurt because I was deceived by him.  I was very angry with him and what I initially wrote I have deleted because it was not kind because every situation is different but this was a very special case because he knew how I felt before we were married but in retrospect I should have seen it coming.  He put the bait out there and it didn't take much of a pull to set the hook in me.

He knew everything about me before we were married and I left out no detail if he asked and he asked and that should have been the red flag. A normal straight guy does not want to talk about the shit people like us went through. Not even a Tranny chaser wants the details. Many of us are so vulnerable we are easy to deceive and use because when something like this is offered I know I could not deny myself. I have always wondered what I would have done if he told me he was a cross-dresser after he told me about Denise and before we were married?

I have honestly never forgiven him but we had to be civil to each other when Denise was married and he did other things that hurt later on because he was a selfish person and he always came first and it was everybody else that had to understand him. He blew through all the money he got when we sold the business and the house and probably would have come back for more but I was married again in the 80's and I think he was afraid of my second husband. I do not know where he is and I don't give a damn which is sad because at one time I did love him a little.

Denise has three children so I am technically a grandmother and I admit I dote on them but I avoid where they live in Florida over the Holidays because  I know he will be there with his second wife and it would not be easy for me to be civil.

To this day I do not understand how he could do what he did to me and I never will to be honest.

Why I blog.

I blog because it helps remind me of the past and remind me where I came from and how lucky I was and am. All of my posts are my personal opinions and sometimes they grate people the wrong way and well that is what happens when one blogs. I had an issue with another blogger, Aria Blue,  over an opinion of hers and hopefully that is over because her last few posts have been less filled with vitriol and she is such a good writer I enjoy reading what she posts whether I agree or not. It may not seem it to some but I am open to other opinions.

Sometimes when I get upset it may seem personal but I try not to be that way but I am human and I can be hurt and I will respond in kind when attacked. I have received quite a bit of criticism about Mikki the Scrabble player but I do not wish her any ill will.  I just simply cannot accept what I saw as a transsexual and would like to be wrong but fetish attire kind of doesn't fit but then that is my view. It does not mean one is a bigot if one does not believe a story that by its very appearance questions its validity.

I wrote a post about "The Gay Transsexual" or what Benjamin called the Type VI transsexual or  classic feminine transsexual or what others have defined as the effeminate transsexual.  The post was about my reflections on being one of those kids defined as the "feminine boy transsexual" and believe me I was not bragging about being that type of transsexual because it wasn't a lot of fun. There are actually people that believe if they can get themselves labeled as a Type VI that it is some badge of honor.  Normally they would call such people masochists but personally I would not wish it on my worst enemy.

It was confusing and caused me a lot of pain and I never have understood why I was lucky and friends were not and died. It was strictly about me and nobody else and was not a reflection on anybody or the meaning of  life or the truth about their life nor a reflection on "how" transsexual someone is or was yet one individual took it that way and she had some ugly things to say about me which I let pass at first because I still have no idea why this individual was upset.

She deleted her posts, I have copies, which can only indicate to me she was embarrassed by what she posted. I eventually retaliated after she continued her nastiness and that is like I have said a personal weakness because turning the other cheek is not something I am very good at.

I am proud of the fact I managed to overcome a lot and have lived a productive life as a woman. All of my accomplishments in life came after surgery.  My life before surgery was a daily living nightmare for a lot of it even after I was introduced to Harry.  That said I think kids like I was are lucky. My heart goes out to those that have suffered for years before resolving these issues. I make no claim that I understand how they do it but I go back to Harry's book and re-read it and most of his patients transitioned rather late and he cared about them all. Sometimes I have been insensitive to it but I have worked on understanding it better. I do understand how the mind can make people wait and can trick you and how society can push you into a corner. In my mind the courageous transsexuals are not kids like I was but those that suffered, lived good lives, and resolved it when it became unbearable. I had it easy in comparison.

Some might find that offensive but when you are arguably the dumbest smart person as a child it is an accomplishment. I was dumb because smart kids do not try suicide but then I was and am emotional. I reflect a lot on my early years because I was finally given the letters between my mother and Dr. Benjamin over four years after my mom died in 2005. I never knew they wrote to each other and it is decidedly weird reading about yourself from the point of view of your mother and your doctor. I learned things I never knew and some things I wish I didn't know now.  It has been revealing as I translated the letters.

I learned a lot of what happened to me was carefully planned by people that cared about a very confused child that just didn't understand why others didn't believe her. I learned that there were more people that cared about me than I realized and I learned I was a lot closer to success at suicide than I thought which is scary.

I have blogged about some of what happened to me as a child and I have posts ready to go that discuss some very ugly events in my early life that bear witness to how in the dark the world was about transsexuals and also how dark the world could be for us. I was deliberately physically scarred by a doctor twice and had a horrible encounter with psychiatrists when I was 17 1/2. The worst part of it is friends of mine had similar instances.

If some of you are bothered or hurt by what I post please do not read the blog because I really have no interest in hurting others.  All others are welcome to comment.

The Gay Transsexual

The term Gay Transsexual has always confused me or more accurately upset me once I realized it was specifically aimed at a kid like I was. I admit I was a pretty screwed up kid because well being transsexual in the 50's was not exactly a recipe for growing old or surviving. Dr. Benjamin once told me he thought possibly 1 in 5 kids like me made it to 20 years old because without family help, basically non-existent in 50's, the only option was to run away to the streets and that usually meant the sex trades.

I saw too much of this when I moved to New York City in August of 1969. My best friend Lana was a drag star in the village and she had started on the streets after running away from an abusive father that figured beating her half to death weekly would make a boy out of her. She was only 14 when she left her upper Midwest roots and moved to the "big city" as she called New York. She got off a bus and was grabbed by a pimp and was on the streets within a week. She survived but she once reluctantly told me none of the other girls like her were "around" any longer. She made a deal with the devil to get off the streets.

In one of my mom's early letters to Benjamin she asked is my "son" gay? He tells me he is a girl and he likes boys. This was in late 1958 when I was still 12 and outside of Harry who had a clue about us. Harry had never met me so he couched his response because I believe he did not want to scare my mother away. I was of course oblivious to these written conversations and probably secretly planning my next attempt at suicide which is a sad commentary but true.

I had no idea help was available and I was a sophomore in High School and the bullying was getting worse and every single time I saw my neighbor Chuck I felt he was planning another attempt to rape me and I was on my third shrink for 1958 and my grandmother was making life hell for my mom because when I refused to dance with a girl in a dance lesson class her friends got wind of it and nobody including me wanted her any more hateful than she was towards me.  Her tool of choice on me was a shillelagh or the knotty torture stick. She never dared use it when mom was around but I was chased many a time with that flailing in her hand and threatening my ass and legs.  Sometimes I probably deserved it but I am not confessing too much.

The gay transsexual is what Blanchard, Ovesey-Person,  and even Harry used homosexual initially, thought feminine or effeminate boy transsexuals were. I was feminine because my body produced less testosterone than most women but I was not effeminate and certainly did not initially flaunt it or demand to dress as a girl because it wasn't going to happen and I might have been nuts as I was constantly told but I was pragmatic enough not to push that boundary at least initially because the consequences could have been quite ugly. The refusal to dance with the girl was the beginning and yes I know girls dance with other girls but I was not exactly thinking straight right about then because of a vicious encounter with another in a long line of incompetent idiots in the field of Psychiatry. I attempted suicide about a week after that incident.

If someone had told me who I respected like Benjamin that I was a gay transsexual I am not sure what I would have done but I doubt if it would be constructive.  I liked boys because I was a girl not because I was a boy. It would be a very long time before I understood gender identity is between the ears and not between the legs. Benjamin began to realize that early on but it was common practice to use the term "homosexual" for kids like me. Thankfully I never heard that from Harry because once I was diagnosed as Type VI with total psycho-sexual inversion things were different,  He told my mother it was as natural for me to like boys as it was for any heterosexual girl.

I would have been very upset if I had been a Type V and because I liked boys they called me gay. I am unclear how they can call someone a heterosexual transsexual because they are asexual or not interested in boys because if gender is between the ears then liking boys for a MTF transsexual of any type is normal heterosexual behavior and liking girls is lesbian and liking both is bi-sexual and who cares really except many of these assholes, Blanchard and pals, still love using that term as one of the two types of transsexuals and some claiming to be "true" or "primary" like to use that term to denigrate the kids like me of my era who were labeled with it by people like Person-Ovesey and and to label the young kids today that are like we were.


Thankfully there are people like Dr. Spack at Childrens Hospital Boston Gender Clinic for kids that avoid that term and help children in a careful manner without labeling them. I remember when I first read Harry's book in 60's I asked him about the terminology and he sheepishly said you are not gay and I know he felt differently and was not pleased with the results of the Person-Ovesey study.

It is quite difficult dealing with kids defined as gay transsexuals because there are not that many around. Harry estimated maybe 1 in 200,000 to 300,000 kids are total psycho-sexual inversion transsexuals which kind of defies the odds because of what I read in the media but then I am unsure how many have been correctly diagnosed. I will leave that issue to someone more qualified than me. When I met Harry he might have dealt with one or two kids but not a lot because it required parental help and most kids on the streets would not go to a doctor out of fear of being returned home. A lot of kids were also so physically or psychologically abused at home they pushed things deep into the recesses of their minds in order to survive.

The single thing that I always come back to was how confusing it all was. I asked Harry more than once why did I think I was a girl? To be honest I don't even think he knew why other than psycho-sexual inversion but how does that happen? Before my first meeting with Harry mom asked Harry many times why does he insist he is a girl? Initially because it was around September of 1958 when they started communicating I don't think even Harry knew why. It was part of what drove me emotionally because it seemed logical if I was a girl people should just let me be a girl but as we all know it just does not work that way. Therefore the multiple suicide attempts because as a girl how could I possibly live as a boy?

My older brother Ray was my best friend and still is. Until I got upset at some things when I entered High School I never pushed boundaries between boy-girl but Ray has always told me it was just so obvious but that was just who I was and how I looked and how I moved and how I spoke. I guess you are what you are whether you try to be or not.  I certainly couldn't have changed because I didn't know I was acting like a girl if that makes sense. I thought I was bullied and bloodied because physically I did look female because of the low testosterone levels but Ray says it was not that but everything sort of "said" girl and that caused the confusion.  I guess I can believe that but I am certainly no expert.

If you haven't figured it out by now I am still searching for answers. One of my best friends in NYC was an Italian girl and I hope I am half the girl she was. She always thought she was a girl and I loved her to death as a friend but she looked like Dick Butkus, her words not mine, and it broke my heart because she will always be beautiful to me.  She had total psych-sexual inversion and was another Type VI but why did she look like she did and not like me. Everything she did was feminine and she killed herself because she felt doomed and that was a week worth of crying for all of us. I just don't understand the vagaries of this transsexual crap sometimes. It just seems so freaking unfair to so many.

If I could snap my fingers and there would never be another transsexual brought into this world I would do it in a heartbeat.

Mikki Nicholson scrabble champion or playing the TS game

I do have to hand it to Mikki. Scrabble is a game I have loved for as long as I can remember and beating a former world champion is quite a feat and not to be taken lightly least of all by me. I do find myself amused by the hysteria over the supposed misuse of pronouns for the scrabble champion.

I post the following articles with pictures and a video for all of you to please look at before you read any farther. Please watch the video before you judge this post.


Transsexual wins scrabble contest?

Another picture and article.

A different point of view.

A video. Is this a transsexual?? 


Claims to have been diagnosed as a woman trapped in a man's body by a psychologist

a little way down in the article. Funny thing but I always thought we were the ones that knew we were girls and the last time I checked a psychologist did not diagnose one as a woman trapped in a man's body but as transsexual or transgender but maybe things have changed because I am out of touch obviously.

I can easily see the confusion poor Mikki would cause and particularly to opponents.  One does not often play any form of scrabble with an opponent dressed in fetish clothes which is what the outfit is. To the average layman or John Q. Public whether it be in Britain or the USA or Canada poor Mikki does look like a man in a dress with the lip and chin stubble but then I have this feeling that is the look Mikki was going for.

If so Mikki succeeded brilliantly. In the video Mikki has long hair and a pink wig was not necessary but when you are playing mind games with fellow players in a big scrabble event, my assumption, heck one should go for the world of fetish look because the Brits sure do love their fetishes and what chance does a former world scrabble champion have in front of a beautiful girl in a pink wig, pink PVC dress, a massive 9 o'clock shadow, and mesh stockings although the type of heels are unknown at this time.

The outrage that some have misgendered Mikki has reached Olympic proportions in some areas. Blogs listed on T-central have posts condemning the use of he instead of her as a deliberate attempt to dehumanize Mikki and to denigrate the term transsexual although most of those protesting identify themselves as transgender and Mikki was labeled as that by some articles. People are screaming if someone presents as a woman then the correct pronoun is she and out of kindness in most cases I would oblige but in the case of Mikki I might ask Mikki which would then result in another disturbance of the space-time continuum because Mikki has a dress on so Mikki is a girl, female, woman, or whatever feminine persona Mikki was trying to portray.

You will notice I am trying to tip-toe around things but that is because most of you are fools if you do not realize you are being played by Mikki. Look at the video. Mikki is just a normal guy with longish hair and absolutely shows zero attempt at even doing scruffy tomboy and if that is not a man then I am not sure what a man is because poor Mikki seems to have lost the ability to present as a girl, woman, female or feminine whatever. Why would a transsexual that had transitioned and played a scrabble championship detransition and dress like Mikki does in the video?

The answer is simple.  Mikki is not even remotely transsexual unless one considers transvestism as a minor related form of transsexualism but in my heart I think Mikki has to offend most good cross-dressers because the ones whose blogs I read on here like Meg and others look pretty darn good. Anyone that looks at Mikki and does not realize Mikki is playing a game with Mikki's competitors needs a wake up call.

Looking at Mikki's bone structure it is apparent to me Mikki could have presented  as a quite attractive young girl if Mikki was actually transsexual, transgender, or a practicing transvestite but there was never any attempt to do that and the facial stubble was deliberate and for effect.

I actually find it insulting Mikki is associated with the word transsexual even though I am now a woman. Someone appearing like Mikki is bad for those still transsexual because Mikki is not transsexual in my humble opinion and anything that takes away from the daily struggle people born transsexual live through is disgraceful. I honestly thought I was looking at a picture from a Jerry Springer Show with Mikki.

Now I realize I will probably get ripped to shreds by most on here but really are any of you'll so desperate for public attention that you would do something like Mikki has done?

I mean Mikki at least you could have done your nails pink and had the correct lipstick shade to match the outfit you silly tart!

I have to believe this is once of the clearer examples of the phrase "There's a sucker born every minute" because Mikki is sure counting on it and Barnum could have used Mikki as the bearded lady but oops I err because the bearded lady actually was a lady unlike Mikki who is quite simply a man in a dress playing games and hopefully laughing all the way to the bank as those being played contribute.

One must always encourage the entrepreneurial enterprise of we humans and being played and made a fool of by  Mikki is beyond hilarious as every transgender and most transsexual activists jump on their collective podiums to scream discrimination, trans-phobia, penis phobia, and whatever other phobia is the latest rage of the day in their pathetic little lives.

You were being played you fools and played damn well.

Pam's House Blend, Sandeen ,and hijacking the word "Tranny"

Well here we go again with some revisionist history from Sandeen and her followers.


Which perjorative do we get to vote on?

Well I guess I get to date myself again but I was there and I was part of the culture where the term "Tranny" was first used and even though Virginia Prince had used the term Transgender sometime in the late 60's it was NEVER used by anyone and the term "tranny" was used well before transgender was coined and had ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with transvestites.  In the "alternative lifestyles" world of NYC tranny was a pre-op transsexual and it was in use from the late 50's at least.

The first time I heard the term tranny was my older brother Ray commenting on the transmission in his car as a piece of crap tranny. The second time I heard the term used for other than a car transmission was in a private meeting at Dr. Benjamin's office when I was 14 years old.  Because I was still recovering from being raped several months earlier by my neighbor Dr. Benjamin brought someone special in to meet with me and talk with a scared kid and it was someone that had gone through the entire process.

The person was quite famous but I had zero idea who she was considering I had only 3+ months earlier heard the term transsexual. She asked how I had started on hormones and I told her and she found it interesting. She said to me and I am paraphrasing, "most kids find a tranny at a drag club to obtain hormones or find Harry", and that was the first time I heard the term and it was 1960 which is well before a transvestite created the term transgender for heterosexual transvestites that were not transsexual and did not want surgery. That person I met was Christine Jorgensen by the way.

My roommate for surgery grew up in Spanish Harlem and found her hormones by asking the drag queen hookers on the corner where to get them and she was pointed to a drag club and told to ask a certain performer who was a "tranny". That was 1960 and there was no term transgender. The term tranny was in common use in NYC and I must assume Frisco because of the  "tranny" community that was beginning to grow and the simple fact Harry had an office in Frisco.

Over the years when I went to NYC for an appointment with Harry I often heard other transsexuals use the term tranny. I sheepishly asked one, I was timid then, why they used it and she said because openly using transsexual was not wise so slang took over and someone shortened transsexual to tranny so they could easily talk about themselves but of course with all slang it became part of the language of the NYC culture and I assume Frisco.

When I moved to NYC in August of 1969 every transsexual I knew used the term tranny and it was not a pejorative and never has been until an attempt was made to hijack it sort of like some want to eliminate the term transsexual for transgender. Kids went to Tranny clubs or Tranny bars and this was 1969 just after the time of Stonewall. It was never a derogatory term and was used for transsexuals or pre-op transsexuals to be more accurate which I was then and some post did use it also since being politically correct was not as important as being "correct".

the term transgender is defined here and if one looks in the notes it will be "noted" Virginia Prince first used the term "transgender" in print in 1969.

Common refrains among us all used the term tranny and I had 5 close "tranny" friends and there was the "Tavern" (name could be wrong) near the Empire State Building that was a big diverse club where you needed a scorecard to tell who was what and the ladies room had Ladies and Trannies scribbled beneath it which is relevant for my previous post.

My friend Oscar took me to Max's Kansas City Steakhouse where I met Andy Warhol and the term tranny was thrown around the back room liberally and referred to pre-op transsexuals or those trying to make people "think" they were pre-op transsexuals. There were a lot of them claiming to be a tranny but few were but who cared was how I felt if it made them feel better and Andy and Oscar were the only ones that knew I was transsexual so it was interesting in that backroom.

Now I have someone like Sandeen and her sycophants and some in the GLB trying to hijack the term "tranny" and claim it refers to the transgender crowd she thinks she speaks for and is a pejorative or for the simple minded a bad word like "fag" or "dyke" if used by others, Why don't you go to Britain and cuss them out over "fag" which means a cigarette or did last time I was there?

Let me make this totally clear Sandeen it was NEVER used for those transgender folk because the term transgender DID NOT EXIST. I have my differences with Aria about some subjects and have avoided you because Aria debunks you as do others for the ignorant know-nothing professional transgender activist you are.

There is NO VOTE NEEDED because it was taken and  passed unanimously 40-50 years ago by those of us that were actually there so you do not get the right to steal the word "tranny" which is just another attempt by you to destroy the concept of transsexual and subsume it under transgender and make it disappear and that is not your right nor is it the right of the GLBT alliances and except for fringe members of the transgender movement I honestly do not believe most people under the transgender umbrella feel this way.

I have never been quite sure what you are other than a self promoting blowhard professional spokesman for your particular brand of transgender gibberish which is sad because it is people like you that destroy and damage an alliance that could have been beneficial.

Go hijack something else because you do not have priorities on "tranny" fool. I do as do my fellow sisters and brothers that coined this term and used this term 40-50 years ago. Find another word to hijack like "nitwit" or "idiot" since they are accurate descriptions of you. In my day we would have simply said "not a tranny" for you and in that case the phrasing was meant to be derogatory.

Why can't we all just pee together?

It is time to post something about one of my least favorite issues which is who should have the right to use what toilet which is a transgender issue that manages to hit the wrong button in this woman who happened to be born transsexual. Let the controversy begin!!!

I am bothered by the continual attempts to blur the lines between what a cross-dresser/transvestite is and the transsexual condition. I wish neither condition on a single person but it is there and we need to deal with it. The problem is dealing with it and the misinformation that seems prevalent in society today. The spin machines are alive and well even in the unfortunate world many of us were born into with no say.

The only similarity between a cross-dresser and a transsexual is we may wear the same clothes but it ends there. I am no expert on whether cross-dressing is a fetish but it is not transsexualism. I am a woman and those transsexuals moving toward that goal identify as women and that is decidedly different from wanting to dress like one or emulate women.

I have no desire to hurt any transvestite or cross-dresser and what you do in your private life or at clubs or places accepting of you is your life and I wish you no harm but there is a limit and that limit is crossed when you want women to basically accept you as women even though your penis and balls are important to you and somehow women or transsexual women or women born transsexual must allow this because it is your right or perceived right to piss in my bathroom. It takes a pair of balls to believe that bullshit. You could simply go in the alley and lift your skirt and piss like you would if you were dressed as a man and no toilet was available but somehow the male ego of a man dressed as a woman wants to infringe on what little space we women have to ourselves.

I hate to clue all you boys in but we girls like to hit the ladies rooms en mass since most girls go with a girlfriend. Don't ask me why but it is something genetically ingrained in women.  We just hate to go to the ladies room alone. We also discuss important subjects in ladies rooms such as how cute that guy third from the end at the bar is and which one of us if single might try and make a move on him or maybe we are discussing what total assholes and total pigs some men can be or possibly how bad a lot of you are in bed or maybe that batteries and a dildo are better than some of you or maybe that we would prefer another woman because at least they don't want a blow job on the first date. The bathroom is our sanctuary and you want to take that away from us so you can play girl.

These same want-to-play-girl men are some of the men that deny women equal access to golf courses, board rooms, workplace promotions, and god knows what else. They enjoy the privileges of being men but want the joy of dressing as women in public and then expect me, if I know, to accept them in the stall next to me in the ladies toilets. What is next urinals so they can take a leak standing up in my toilet? Remember how pissed you were when the women at your golf club wanted  something you felt you are entitled to because you carry a penis and balls like the men only grill?

I am astonished that some men want to dress as women in public yet want to maintain their male persona and social privileges in business and life yet also want me to accept them as women in my toilet just because they dress like me and are faking being women. In my day they would be classified quite differently but this is a brave knew world where men-in-dresses have the balls to do it in public but want me to ignore the joy those balls give them and willingly let them use the ladies room. Interesting concept but I am not buying!

I do realize it is almost impossible at times to judge who is a transvestite and who is a preop transsexual but if you are a transvestite and you want to keep your penis and balls at least have the balls to use the boys room like you should or even an alley unless they are marked women or those pretending to be women for the evening.

If it bothers you to go into the boys room as a girl then maybe you should think twice about appearing in public dressed as a woman or stay in the clubs and places where it is acceptable behavior. Next thing you know transvestites will want to be allowed to come to work dressed as a woman one day and a man the next based on how girly they feel that day.

No wonder some transsexuals and some women born transsexual are paranoid about such things.

Why is there such anger?

I am disappointed that Aria decided not to provide the list of her issues of the moment or maybe her list of issues she has had for her 20 years fighting the good fight against the perceived Transgender Menace or is that the Transsexual Menace or the Gay menace or the Misogyny Menace or possibly the Lesbian Menace or the Old Timer menace or the Early Transition Menace or they are stealing my womanhood menace or whatever other menace she can come up with to keep her sycophants in line obeying the party line.

Now if that makes her sound paranoid she probably is but what it also appears to me to be is a fear of rejection based on some inferiority complex probably based on her perception that she will not be accepted as a woman possibly based on appearance or self perceived or actual rejection by a person or persons she wanted acceptance from. Been there, done that, and I was really angry.

What causes anger?

What causes anger #1

Anger Managment

As a child I became very angry over me and what I perceived as the inability of everyone to simply realize I was a girl and I did a lot of really stupid things and said a lot of even more stupid things but in reality I was angry at myself for not being what I should have been and being the most convenient target and the only one I could target I aimed it inward.

I became angry at the repeated appointments with Psychiatrists that put me down and made me feel I had done something wrong not that in my frail mind I didn't already feel that way but I did not need some old fart in a suit telling me I was a freak or would end up a sexual deviant or worse.

There was one quite noted Psychiatrist from Harvard that I got mad at but said nothing until I was at the Harvard Coop and saw a book by him on all things shrink so I bought it and read it and proceeded to confront him on some premises I saw as flawed and had him so mad by the end of my last session he told my dad, I was 9, to get your know-it-all daughter, oops, know-it-all son out of this office. He was into this Oedipal bullshit and he was a charlatan. It actually made me feel good to make him get mad which is kind of sick by itself.

You did not want to be around me if my anger was aimed outward at someone like the year they forced me to play Little league Baseball and I was the most feared pitcher "ever" because I tried to hit every boy that ever hurt me and I did.  It is a powerful feeling for someone perceived as week and feminine to watch boys quake in fear and bailing towards their dugout as I delivered every pitch.

The first 5 or 6 times I pitched I hit on average of 3 or 4 batters a game.  I could have hurt someone badly but I aimed from the waist down because that was the hardest part to get out of the way and a baseball in the shin sucks. What changed it was I hit a boy that was actually nice to me and I was scared and realized I was a fool thankfully before I hurt someone. I had had anger issues with god since I could not understand why this happened to me and growing up in a "good" Christian home thought prayer would help which it of course did not but that anger cost me faith for many years.

Then there was the boy that pushed me into a peat fire and I blew his bike up with my homemade M-80s and told him he should always be careful opening his locker which caused him no end of consternation which escaped me because I went to a different High School for the gifted and he was an idiot in my mind.

I was angry at girls because they had what I so desperately wanted which was to physically be female. Ironically when I went to my 10th High School Reunion mad as hell with every intent to get even several girls asked me why I had rejected their attempts at friendship because as one said you obviously were not a boy and everyone knew I wanted to be a girl but I was so blinded with anger I missed something that could have helped. After they found out it was me several boys asked the same question.  Why had I rejected any attempts at friendship which I found weird then but over the years I have learned kids can be far more accepting than we think because it just isn't easy being a teenager and I have learned that when a friend and I have helped kids like us over the last 40 years.

Harry knew immediately I internalized my anger and he spent a lot of time talking with me about it because it is an issue all transsexuals deal with. When I was raped and nearly killed by my next door neighbor in February 1960 when I was 14 Benjamin was so worried he flew to Boston and spent a weekend in the Hospital with me because that internalized anger and then the horror and degradation of being raped is not good for one's self image and self confidence and acceptance of oneself which were low before the rape and worse after.

Is there any feeling worse than feeling you have been screwed by the gender god and are the incorrect gender? It doesn't matter where you fall on the gender scale it is horrible and it eats at your soul and it makes you angry and it hurts like no hurt I have ever known. I have lost a boyfriend, dear friends in Houston, and a husband to sudden death and as horrible and unfair as it seemed and as much as it hurt it never came close to the hurt and anger I felt as a child before I met Harry and even for about 11 years after I met him.

I mellowed but I was still seething inside more than I would ever admit. I felt anger because I could never have children of my own and believe me I desperately wanted that. I felt anger because I was worried I would never find someone to love me even though I had a boyfriend that did. I was angry because I just could not be me and it hurt to be allowed to just be a girl for a week or two weeks or then have to go back to what was what I perceived as my "itness" of playing androgynous tomboy. Funny thing is people around me never saw me as boy only I perceived they saw me that way. Even my grandmother gave me the off-handed compliment "he is a beautiful girl" or something like that. Anger blinds reason and you can miss a lot of life because of it.

Harry started to get through to me over time because he knew even then that our biggest problem is accepting ourselves for who we are and realizing we didn't do anything wrong. He always regretted he had allowed me to be questioned by John Money shortly after we met because he felt I was hurt by what he said to me as a not quite 14 year old and he was correct. I truly disliked that man and his silly ideas about us.

College was an issue I rarely talk about. I had the intelligence genetics on my side and a full scholarship and I was actively recruited as a student by MIT, Caltech, Harvard, and every top school in the US until they found out I was transsexual and or they met me and then they rejected me. I had spent endless hours on cold winter weekends in the Coop at Harvard or MIT reading books on Literature, History, Math and Physics and it was my dream to go to MIT even though it was in my backyard basically. I was rejected because I was a freak or deviant might have been the word and it was for the best because I went to a better program for Astronautical Engineering and physics but when you are told that when you are 14 it crushes what self confidence you have which was not much and it made me angry. Benjamin found the college that protected me from me and the outside world but I was angry and deeply disappointed until I got there and realized how good it was for me.

I wish Kevin was here so I could ask him but I know we loved each other but I needed his love to just exist.  Even with Harry my attraction to boys needed a boy that accepted me as a girl and without that I could not have survived. I had to have been a very needy "girlfriend" because I wrote him a letter every day and when I didn't hear from him I was deeply depressed which was not good. I refused to understand why he couldn't write me when he was in Ranger training and then Green Beret training.  After all he just had to pick up a pen and write was all I could think of.  I would be upset when we met but that was melted with a kiss but there was still simmering anger under the surface about lots of little things that go with being transsexual. An angry soul is not a healthy soul.

After Kevin died I am not sure what I was actually angry at but it was probably everyone but school and my girlfriends there. I internalized it like I always do and I became more quiet and shy. My anger began to subside because except to the few that knew I was not a tomboy all the boys really liked me which made me feel much better about myself and my guardian Karen always accepted me as a girl and treated me with my other girlfriends as one of the girls.  It was so invaluable and saved me after Kevin died.  Girls know how to comfort other girls when a loved one dies and it just does not get any simpler than that.

Houston was just plain weird and confusing and scary and problematic and yet thrilling. Anger wise I was in a much better place but I was brutally lonely. I purchased a 67 L-88 Corvette at my brother Ray's insistence after my 66 was stolen and it was a boy magnet and a flyboy magnet which I never saw happening. I was treated very kindly by the people I worked with which eased the worry of acceptance because I was decidedly weird. It was not discussed openly but those in the know knew what I was.

When I resigned in early August of 1969 some people were stunned because despite the weirdness I was upwardly mobile as one Engineer said.  NYC was freedom in many ways because I was just another young girl in NYC and I passed easily and life was good but the anger was still just below the surface. This anger was one of the reasons Harry had me meet with Dr. Person initially and why I was asked to be part of the Ovesey-Person study but that part was probably more because I was perceived as the feminine transsexual stereotype I guess although there are not  two of us the same regardless of the categorization.

Part of my anger can be traced to my inability to have a normal sexual relationship with any boy or man I met because I still had the wrong bits. Frustration can lead to anger when pent up emotions and desires cannot be released. I had some interesting dates  including a famous British guitar player who I told and he still dated me which was actually nice but he was not in town that often but my doorman was his drug dealer of choice so we met whenever he was in the city. I admit it helped and we have been friends for over 40 years and although he was not my first lover because I was not healed he was the first boy/man that ever saw me naked and I am still trying to figure out how he managed that but he was persuasive. We were occasional lovers later.

I thought surgery would end any of the frustration I had and it helped but I still felt cheated in so many ways and it came to a head in early spring 1971 as I healed from surgery. In one of Harry's letters to my mother he mentions just before this incident that he was still a little worried about my internalized anger and I exploded on a radio show when he asked me to replace someone who bowed out and I could never say no and it was on NBC radio in NYC on a Friday evening and the host who was subbing for the regular man was Dick Cavett.

By this time I knew I was quite beautiful which weirdly was difficult to admit to myself and I was still angry but felt I was immune to what many of us face because of my appearance and the simple fact I had my surgery and was now a girl. That evening showed me that discrimination is always there if some assholes know yet it also freed me of all the pent up anger because I let it out in a non-stop tirade after one male caller had said something horrible to me and Cavett said when we came back on air he sensed a seething anger just beneath the surface and pestered me as only he can until I just let it out which was what I needed to do.

Going back earlier in the evening I had stopped in the NBC commissary at Rockefeller Center for food because I was going to a club after the show and I was hungry and Dick Cavett actually sat down with me and flirted with me for 45 minutes as we ate supper before the 8 PM show started. I had done some things for Harry before this but the one thing you learn about these shows is when they learn someone like us is on everyone shows up for the broadcast so they can gawk at the freak because even though the Jerry Springer Show did not exist in 1971 that was who John Q Public expected and when you don't look like what they think you should everyone has to walk by multiple times to be sure their eyes didn't trick them and I was dressed for the precursor to Studio 54 which in vulgar terms was a "fuck me please" dress.

All the people staring got me angry and when I walked into the radio studio I am not sure who was more shocked Cavett or me to be honest.  I was in shock because people were looking at me weirdly sort of in disbelief and Cavett because he had flirted with me openly but Cavett was actually nice and complimentary. It is a call in show and after Cavett questioned Harry about the condition and we talked to calm me down the phone calls started.  It was typical with Tranny Chasers, bigots, some sympathy, and some insightful questions and during a break I was denied access to the ladies room by this fat woman that worked there and when I came back I was seething.

It got worse when a guy asked what I wanted from my life and I said a husband and kids and he responded he would be worried a freak like me would molest children and after I told him off another break happened and that fat woman intercepted me before I could get to the ladies room and I just shoved her aside and told her to get her fat ugly ass out of my way which was not nice but seemed appropriate and I might have been seeing red when I reentered the studio and Cavett saw it and that was when he pestered me about the anger just below the surface and I went nuclear and for the time had a rather notable tirade about why I was angry.  I have the transcript and maybe i will post it but when it was over it felt like the world lifted from my shoulders.

I let everything out and it was like this giant anger cleansing process. It went through the 9 PM break and they never stopped me and Cavett probed and I owe him an eternal debt of gratitude because he got me to do what Dr. Person and Harry had tried to do which was to let it go.

When we were leaving I will never forget what Harry said.  He told me "now you are free" and he was just so right. I learned to let go of my anger and yes there have been times when I was seething mad including what my first husband did to me but I let it go quickly.  It does not mean I cannot get angry but it does not and never will again consume me and it made me an even nicer person than I was.  I am now very quick to forgive and let past issues go and am quick to say I am sorry if I say or do something silly or hurtful which I do often enough.

Anger blinds one to the complexities of life and when it consumes you it changes who you are and can make you seem like a bigot when you are not. Anger makes you myopic and narrow minded and unable to see the forest for the trees. Hatred is anger gone off the edge and a life of hate and anger is not life but more like a sentence in emotional jail.

Are there people out there that match what Aria is angry at? There sure are and we should all probably be upset with them because they are hurtful but they are few in number and of little importance in our daily lives because few outside a small subset of the transsexual or GLBT world ever read them or care about them.  They are important in their own narrow minds but unimportant in general.

I have friends in the GLB community and have honestly never met one that had issues with anyone transsexual.  I am sure they exist but every group has assholes and the fringe should not be glorified.

I believe Aria has a lot of valuable things to say but packaging her feelings in anger just does not work plus I find it hurtful how she has treated people and would actually like to know what her anger list entries are but I will probably not see that in this lifetime because i am betting when she sat down to write out the list it disintegrated into the ethos like the vapors  from my coffee pot as it whistles its readiness in the kitchen at this early hour for me.

It is not easy to put to paper what is conceived in anger because it is rarely concrete.